I made dinner tonight for just me and my kids for the first time since he got his promotion. My mom has been here a lot in the past 2 weeks - so one of us would cook dinner - but having that extra person at the dinner table made it feel like nothing was really out of the ordinary. But tonight as I sat at the table with our 10 year old, 9 year old, and 2 year old - it started sinking in that he really wasn't here. I lost my appetite pretty quickly and just sat there zoning out - trying to remember the details of the last meal we all ate at home together. Even the kids were talking about him not being there tonight and how he would always love it when I made spaghetti (tonight's dinner of choice).
Later this evening I was watching a funny clip online tonight. My first reaction was "I can't wait to show this to my husband when he gets home". And then a split second later my brain reminded me that he won't be coming home. Even still it took a few minutes of my mind searching for reasons why he won't be coming home before it felt like a huge, breathtaking punch in my gut.
He won't be coming home.
My brain kept repeating that over and over and it's like my mind was failing (or refusing) to compute. It can't possibly be really true. This is all a horrible nightmare and I'll wake up soon and my husband will be here with me. He can't possibly, really be gone.
I'm not ready for it to all start sinking in and hitting me. I was perfectly content with the way things were panning out; tears here and there as certain things reminded me of him.
I don't know what tomorrow holds - but I hope that my brain will take it easy on me.
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