pieces of him

As you know my husband passed away unexpectedly on Christmas Day.

Before we got married he painted this for me. It's me and my two older kids sitting in a tree. My son with a train next to him, my daughter wearing fairy wings (totally them!)

I took it out a few days ago so I could get the measurements to have it framed. I turned it over. I never realized he had written on the back. "One Man's Treasure" dated Christmas Day 2011.

I got goosebumps!

Fast forward to today.  I have been going through the house and purging and organizing like it's going out of style.  I still haven't brought myself to go through any of his things yet - but there's plenty of other things to go through to keep me busy for a while.
In our utility room I saw a box that I knew contained painting and drawing supplies that I had given to Kyle before we had gotten married.  He had once shared with me how he wanted to get back to painting (something that he had done before - and something he was so great at!).  So, me being clueless, went online and Googled information about different painting supplies.  I found an online art supply store and blindly ordered things.  Kyle seemingly loved them.  I opened the big box today and there was the art supplies that I was so excited to order and he was so excited to receive.  In that box was a of acrylics I had gotten for him.  I opened them. There they all laid - so perfectly displayed.  Not a single tube had been used - save 3.  The three he used in the painting above.  I sat there and stared at the orange, yellow, and brown tubes with their indentations from where his fingers had squeezed the paint on on a pallet.  I picked those tubes out and just ran my fingers over the indentations - knowing that the last time they were used, he was thinking about me, making something for me.  I couldn't hold back the tears. It was a perfect reminder, frozen in time, of him; his love of always thinking of others.  I don't know that I could ever use these acrylics - or give them away.  Once again - it's a tangible remnant of him.

I think that keeping myself busy is some kind of defense mechanism.  It's my way of keeping my brain occupied so that I don't have to think.  Today was no different.  I noticed this morning that I had this heaviness hanging over me.  I went to tickle my toddler and his laugh made me laugh out loud - and then I immediately though about Kyle.  He absolutely loved our toddler's laugh.  It gave him the biggest kick to be able to make him laugh.  And - he'll never hear his laugh again.  His dad will never tickle him again. That hit me. And hard. Our daughter was emotional last night - talking about how she missed how Kyle would always wrestle with them. How do I replace that?  How do I give my kids that kind of "dad fun"?

I had an OB appointment yesterday and got to see our newest little one.  I was able to share that appointment with Kyle's sister.  I was so glad she was able to be there with me.  Baby Liam looks great and everything seems to be going well. I'm so anxious to see him, to hold him.  I told Kyle's sister that a part of my feeling so comforted is knowing that I, literally, have a piece of Kyle in me with Liam - and we have a piece of Kyle here with Charlie.  So Kyle is still here - it's not a replacement for him being HERE - nothing could ever replace that - but his boys being made up of him - he's never going to be gone.