But God.

Grief is never really gone. 

It never really ends.

You don’t sit and have a good cry for twenty minutes and then continue on with no more grief like nothing ever happened.

You learn to live your life around your grief. 

There are so many moving parts to it, some are obvious.

When Kyle died, I knew I would be without my spouse, my partner. 
When Kyle died, I knew my kids would be without their dad – they would miss having their dad show up to little league games, roughhousing, doing “dude” things.
When Kyle died, I knew I had to make plans for missing out on an entire income. 
When Kyle died, I knew I would have to plan how I was going to navigate being thrust into single parenthood.

But then there are parts of grief that never even cross your mind until you’re in the middle of it.

One thing that I never really gave thought to was how my relationship with Kyle’s family would change.

But God.

Kyle has one of the most tightknit families that you could ever hope to know.  Kyle was so proud of his extended family.  His mom, brother, sisters, grandparents, aunt, uncle, and cousins are so close.  They remind me of a mafia family minus all the illegal activities.

This isn’t to say that their family is always sunshine and rainbows.  No.  They themselves would tell you they’ve had their moments.  But, as someone lucky enough to have insider access, I can tell you that they have mastered the art of communicating, working it out, and absolute love and protection for each other. At the end of the day you look out for your family.  It’s the kind of family bond that I pray that I can give my own kids. 

I remember the family Christmases at his grandparents’ house.  There would be giggling in the air from the kids running around, a huge spread of home cooked food, gifts, inside jokes, and games!  Not just any games, but games played for prizes – so you could count on some real competition!  Our first Christmas as a couple, Kyle and I played a form of the Newlywed Game with the other couples – we won! And Bingo. Bingo was a tradition.  Bingo could get straight up out of hand in the best of ways!

His grandparents have created this incredible legacy and it is inspiring to say the least.

But.  

After Kyle died I struggled to know where I would or should fit within their family.  Kyle and I didn’t divorce, so it’s not like there was a cutoff in that way where one spouse is now divorced from a family.  The love I have for Kyle is the same as it was the day he died.

The night he died, his mom and I were the last two to leave his room.  We left the hospital together.  Then, Kyle’s mom and siblings hunkered down with each other at his sister’s house.  I (with my parents and sister) went back to our home with our kids.  Looking back I really wish I would have been able to be with my kids in with their circle.  But I feel like that’s where my struggle with knowing how I should fit in with his family started.  I did go to a big family Christmas after he passed away.  For me it felt different, obviously.  My direct link to his family wasn’t there. But at the same time, I loved being around his entire family because where they are, he still is.  So there is a comfort with them. Deep down I just wanted to feel like I was still in the inner circle, still in the group texts, still in the direct line of big news. This is one of those places where I point out that, again, there is no guidebook to navigating any of this stuff after your spouse dies.

Then, I got myself in to a relationship that I should have never been in to begin with. 

Before I get into that story, let me just say that Kyle has now been gone just over 8 years.  He still pops into my head no less than a handful of times a day.  I say that with utmost honesty. Every single day!  Most of the time it’s because our boys have done something that reminds me of him - be it a face they’ve made, the inflection in their voice in a story they’re telling, their comedic timing, or something they’ve said immediately brings back a memory.  I do love that 8 years on he’s still a daily occurrence in our home.  A majority of the time the thoughts of Kyle don’t cause any big grief waves - he’s just a part of us and will always be a part of us, so the memories are just a natural part of our days. 

But God.

This man I was dating at the time didn’t like this concept and would often shut down any talk about Kyle. He would tell me that to continue to talk about him would only make things worse for my boys. He wanted me to refer to Kyle's family as something other than "my in-laws". He was so insecure in even the mention of Kyle, even if in passing. I remember him telling me, on Christmas Eve no less (if you’ll remember, Kyle passed away on Christmas day), that my kids and I just needed to “get over” Kyle being gone. 

I have a lot of patience for many things.  But that statement wrecked me and I seriously questioned if the way that I chose to keep Kyle such an active part of our lives was somehow going to make things worse for my boys. Deep down, I knew better, but he managed to create so much doubt.  

Those days (four years worth) and that relationship were easily some of the lowest parts of my life in widowhood. You’ll notice a gap in my time without blogging. That was it. That was four years, off and on, that I don’t get back. 

But God.

I am thankful that not only did God pluck me out of that relationship but that He has been at work restoring me.

Looking back I can see how during that time, I inadvertently pulled myself away from Kyle’s family.  I was so focused on toeing the line for this guy that I did direct damage to the ties that really mattered. (I’ll pause here to say that the boys continued to see Kyle’s family.  I did not try to create any form of distance with them). 

Only two people in Kyle’s family ever met him.  

It was actually a very long, concerned text from one of Kyle’s sisters after she met him that stuck in my head and started the slow, s-l-o-w unravel of that relationship.  She doesn’t know it (if she reads this, she will now)but even though I held on for so much longer than I should have - her words were always in the back of my mind. 

At the time she sent it to me, I just kind of shook it off. I had already felt distanced from Kyle’s family.  

So, I put up a wall.   

She had very, very real concerns.  As she should have.  But, she was being every bit of the sister that she knew to be – she was looking out for her brother’s little boys. But, I feel like she was also looking out for me.  

She planted seeds and God used other things along the way to water those seeds and eventually I woke up and realized that I could not ever be held to not being free to talk about Kyle.  Not only do my boys deserve to hear about their dad as much as they want to, but I should feel safe in talking about him.  The love I have for him is there, will always be there, as it should be!

After that relationship ended, I started realizing how distant I felt from Kyle’s family. 

It hurt. 

It still hurts.

As much as my boys are a little piece of Kyle here on earth, so is his family!

I was embarrassed at how easily I was veered off of the path I had been on.  I wanted to be able to spend my life with someone, but I questioned my own ability to be able to do that. Maybe the scenario I had in my head of being able to love and be loved by someone who understood and even encouraged the love I still carry for Kyle didn’t actually exist.  And I couldn’t, wouldn’t again be persuaded to try to squash it.  So, maybe a relationship wasn’t in the cards for me.

But God!

I met someone in the summer of 2022. 

I told him immediately that I was a widow.  So he knew from the outset. On our first date I brought Kyle up.  It was a funny story just after our first kiss involving a cardinal.  

My knee-jerk reaction was thinking that he was going to be put-off that I brought up my late husband.  So I told him “hey you have to let me know if it bothers you if I talk about Kyle”. 

Without even missing a beat he says “why would that bother me?  I want to know about him!”  He followed that with explaining that losing a spouse to divorce versus losing a spouse to death are two completely different things – when your spouse dies you don’t just stop loving them, nor should you.  He said that he understood that I would always have a place in my heart that belongs to Kyle.  He also told me that he’d feel honored if he’d ever got the chance to meet Kyle’s family some day.

I sat there amazed at how I felt so safe in that moment.  

I realize that words are just that, words.  And time would be what would really confirm if what he just told me was actually what he believed or just words he was saying in an effort to try to woo me.

Since that day – I’ve talked about Kyle, he’s asked questions about Kyle, the boys talk to him about Kyle, he talks to the boys about Kyle. He asks about Kyle’s family – wanting to make sure he knows faces and names and birth orders and the way the family tree branches and family stories. 

And there isn’t a single time that he has acted the least bit put-off, annoyed, or insecure about hearing about him. Before Christmas came around that first years, he sat me down to just talk to me about how that holiday affects me so that he would know.  And he asks how he can best support me when my heart is heavy.   When the pockets of grief come knocking on my door, he’s the first person there ready to hug me and listen to me talk about it. 

I had known shortly after we started dating that I wanted Kyle’s family to meet him.  At that time, I felt as if Kyle's family and I weren’t superiorly close.  But, I was excited that I had found someone who just let me be unapologetically who I was – grief and all!  Not to mention, I knew I wanted Matt to be in our boy's lives. So, I wanted their nod of approval.  It felt almost as important, if not moreso, than my own family’s approval. 

Just about the only time that they’d all be together was Christmas.

It’s such a bittersweet holiday and I didn’t know how they felt about me dating (especially after the dumpster fire that was my prior relationship) and I especially wasn’t sure about bringing a new guy around on a holiday that has all kinds of emotions attached to it. 

But 5 months after we started dating, on Christmas, I brought him with me to take the boys to Kyle’s sister’s house.  A majority of the people who meant the most to Kyle were there.  I was so proud for them to meet him.  And I was equally as proud for him to meet Kyle’s family.  I wanted him to witness firsthand the family in which Kyle came from – so he’d have a much better understanding as to who Kyle was. It’s all connected. 

It went so well – and afterwards I didn’t get a long, concerned text from Kyle’s sister.  I got the opposite.  They welcomed him, talked with him, and made a place for him at their dinner table. They reached out to me either that night or days later to in one way or another give me the nod.  

But God.

It’s one of those very complex times that comes with grief because I would have loved for Kyle to have been there to see how welcomed his family made Matt feel. And if I’m being honest, I know that Kyle would like Matt.  I won’t sit here and say that they are so similar.  They aren’t. Which I’m thankful for.  I wasn’t looking for someone to replace Kyle.  No one could have ever replaced him!   I am not the same person that I was when Kyle was here.  Grief changes a person.  It has grown me in ways that I never expected! But I know that Kyle would appreciate how patient and delicate that Matt has been with me in navigating the emotions that have come with moving forward in this way.

Matt and I were married 8 months ago – in July 2023. 

(side note: I have an entire blog post about Matt that sits in my drafts from July 2023 before we got married.  I'll work on polishing that one up and post it!) 

I actually never thought that I would ever date again let alone get married again.  

But God! 

No doubt that God gave Matt to me and my kids.

I remember right after we were married, my youngest son ran down the stairs at home yelling to my oldest son “WE HAVE A DAD NOW!!!!!”.  They love Matt.  Matt loves them.  They say often that they have a dad in heaven and now they have a dad here, too!  It is work (lots of work and even more grace) to blend families and we are far...FAR...from having it figured out – every day we’re learning a little more about how to do it.  But, I have such peace with Matt – so I know that he is an answer to many prayers.

In the same time that I started dating Matt, Kyle’s sister (the sister that sent "the" texts) also met a man and they were engaged.  

She asked my boys to be in her wedding.  

Not only that, but she invited myself, Matt, and our entire family to her wedding.  I know that my boys were so excited to be getting another uncle (they love her now-husband!).  But, I was excited for the chance to be able to see many of Kyle’s family that I haven’t gotten to see in many years! For me, it was going to feel like a family reunion.

What I didn’t expect was the churning up of grief that her wedding would bring.

The wedding itself was so beautiful!  It was simple, but meaningful. 

The day before the wedding, she had asked me to have the boys to the church to start getting ready by noon.  Then she said “and I’ll need you all there at 1 for family photos”. 

I was stunned.  

Speechless. 

I did not expect at all to be included in family photos.

This was the sister that poured out her heart to me in those texts during my last relationship. Her influence on me means far more than she knows. 

I spent the morning and early afternoon feeling a little out of place; not knowing where I needed to be as far as family was concerned.  As we (Matt, myself, and my other children) were making our way to the sanctuary for pictures, I saw Kyle’s grandparents.  I haven’t seen them in, maybe, 5 or 6 years or more (that I remember).  I hugged his grandad.  And we had a brief conversation and I got to introduce him to Matt.  I was so excited to see him! Our oldest son is named after him, and for good reason.  This man is a true man of God.  He’s just one of the best humans I know! Being able to see him again meant so much.  So, so much!

Then I turned around to see his grandmother.  This precious woman has always been so fun, so full of grace, and has just one of the most welcoming smiles of anyone I’ve known! I remember the look of pride on Kyle’s face when he got to introduce her to his firstborn son, her great-grandson. 

I hugged her. 

And as I heard her sweet voice say my name, the tears started. 

Oh my gosh how I’ve missed this entire family!

I glance over and see his aunt next to us. 

When Kyle was in the ICU and we didn’t realize how bad things were, his aunt had come and taken myself and Kyle’s mom to lunch.  It was one of the few times that I left the hospital and it had been a relief to be outside of those walls even if just for a few hours. His aunt had always felt so much like my own aunt.  She was always ready to give an encouraging word or just share a fun story about Kyle.  To be able to hug her again after so many years was so good.

We go into the sanctuary to be present for photos.  I mainly helped with corralling my youngest son so they could focus on getting through photos.  But then I heard the photographer “Matt, Julie and family – you’re on deck!”

........I stopped in that moment - wondering if I had actually heard what I thought I heard.

Not only was his sister including me in a family photo – but she was also including my new husband! This meant far more to me than she may ever really know.

But God.

Already there were a plethora of emotions hitting me for so many reasons, but then the ceremony started. 

Our boys had very important jobs. Our oldest had the duty of escorting a couple of very important people to their seats.  Our youngest was part of the ring guard and he was to carry a briefcase with the rings inside and deliver it directly to the bride and groom during the ceremony. 

The music began and the double doors in the back of the sanctuary swung open. 

I looked back. 

I gasped.

The tears were far too many for my eyes to contain.

It was our oldest son and his great-grandmother walking down the aisle. 

But, my brain saw Kyle and his grandmother.

I haven’t laid my eyes on Kyle in over eight years.  I’ve only had the same photos to look at.  But for those moments it was like he was here on earth all over again. It was like I was seeing him full of life again. The way he was so delicate with his grandmother.  The seriousness he had towards the job at hand. The way he smirked when he caught my eye.  It was Kyle.  And my heart was simultaneously swept away with joy and completely crushed.

After the ceremony we were walking out the sanctuary and I heard my name from behind me.  I turn around to see more family that I haven’t seen, probably, since Kyle’s memorial service!  One of his cousins, I had never even met.  I introduced myself “I’m Julie, I’m Kyle’s wife....well...widow”.  And in the back of my head I realized that that was the first time that I’ve introduced myself that way.

It’s such a paradox! 

I am Kyle’s wife,
I am Kyle’s widow. 
But I am very much Matt’s wife.

There are no hard and fast rules with this.  And over eight years in I’m still learning.  It’s ever-evolving.

We mingled with family.  I got to introduce Matt to people he’s only ever heard me talk about.  I was so glad that he was getting to match faces with names.  And they were all so welcoming to him.

Once the reception was winding down we decided to go ahead and head out.  I made sure that I found everyone I could to hug and say goodbyes to. 

One of the last two people that I found were Kyle’s aunt and grandmother.  His aunt gave me the biggest hug.  I told her I loved her so much and how happy I was to finally get to see them after all these years.  We both discussed how blown away by how much our oldest son looks just like Kyle. 

Then I hugged his grandmother.

She gave me the tightest hug.  We pulled away for a second, but she held on to my hands and in such a soft, gentle, thoughtful voice, she said:

“I love you Julie.  I always loved you as family and you’ll always be family”

Words that I don’t think she knew I needed to hear.  
Words that I don't think I knew I needed to hear. 
But words that resonated with me and repeated over and over in my head on the drive home. 

But God.

I know that I was quiet on the drive home.  My brain was flooded with so many thoughts.  I was hit with regrets from the past eight years:

I wish I would have voiced more of my feelings/hurts to his family. 
I wish I would have been strong enough to stand up to my ex and push him away instead of them.
I wish I would have fought more to be a part of their family. 

But I was also flooded with so much joy at how, for this weekend, I felt like I was a part of their family again.  

And it made Kyle feel so close! 

Somewhere along the drive home, a wave of grief made its way to me.  And when we got home and got the kids unloaded and squared away, I snuck time to go sit in the car and just cry - a full-on ugly cry. 

I missed Kyle so much.

And paradoxically it made me so incredibly thankful for Matt.

He is such a safe place for me to process through grief when it hits. 
He is a rock for me when I need to be able to let my tears talk.
He loves me, but he also, without hesitation, leaves space for Kyle to be there.

But God!

God has known all along what I needed.  

I do hope that this is the beginning of being able to restore relationships with Kyle's family.  But, in the mean time I will relish this past weekend and all of the mending for me that came from it.

As I've said so many times before, the grief journey has no end.  

I'm not working towards a "finish line". 
It's not a race where once I figure it all out - the grief will never hit again.  

It's fluid.
It ebbs and flows.

I have no control over when and where it happens, but I can control who I allow in these spaces with me. If my last relationship taught me anything it was that not everyone in your journey with you is FOR you!  

But God. 

I took a detour.  

But God, in His infinite glory, used that detour to grow me and make me that much more wise about this journey He's made for me.