It wasn't long before I knew we would grow out of the house we have rented since Kyle and I got married. It's a small house. Quaint. But it feels like home. We managed to build a life in this house; a life that I love! But, I now have four children and I knew that I would eventually be faced with the prospect of moving.
It's not something that I liked thinking about. I love the idea of having more space for our kids - that's a given. But, the idea of packing up all of our memories (which includes making myself finally go through his belongings) and actually, physically having to shut the door on this home...it makes me nauseous to think about it.
Well - the time came that a decision had to be made. I knew it was time to start looking for a bigger house - but along with that fact came the decision of whether the home would be located in the town that we live now - where Kyle grew up, where his family lives - or would we relocate back to my home town three hours away where my family lives - OR would we go somewhere new all together. It was a decision that would have to be made before the bigger kids started back to school. So, I didn't have months and months to ponder it.
I know for some the answer would be blindingly obvious - go back to my hometown. However, unlike a lot of in-law relationships - I love Kyle's family. His mom, grandparents, siblings...they're all so precious to me and I love them as if I've known them my entire life.
I have had my fair share of moments since Kyle's passing where I have had to try to figure out my place in his family again. No one can possibly prepare you for the very odd, yet real feelings that ensue after you've lost your spouse and yet you're still a part of his family. Please be sure that it is absolutely nothing that his family has done and I'm not even saying it's a BAD thing - just a very odd and uncomfortable feeling. If there was one thing I know that everyone knew about Kyle it was that he absolutely cherished his entire family. So I was no longer going to visit them WITH my husband. And though there had been times before when I would see my in-laws without my husband around - it just felt different knowing why he wasn't there. Seeing his family together - I almost felt like I was outside looking in. Maybe it's because when I'm around his family - his absence is more painfully obvious. From what I've read this is perfectly normal - but it hasn't been my favorite either. I've read stories of widows who didn't have a relationship with their husband's family before their husband passed away - and then after his death the widow just detaches from his family completely and goes her own way. And then there are the similar stories where there are kids involved and then the kids end up missing a relationship with their deceased parent's family. This is one of the many times that I am grateful that Kyle's family embraced me as one of their own. I've told them that as much as they need our kids because our kids are a piece of Kyle - our kids (and myself included) need them because they are my piece of Kyle and they are our kids piece of their dad.
So I have been reluctant to make any decision that would involve me moving our children away from Kyle's family. While none of them can possibly imagine my journey through all of this - as, thankfully, they've not lost a spouse due to death - I can not possibly imagine their journey as I've never lost a child or a sibling to death. So I think about that and then think about moving their pieces of Kyle (the kids) away - and it hurts my heart.
On the other hand, there's my family. Again - there are some people who don't have the relationship with their family like I do. There is just something about having your own "village" around.
I had been going back and forth about what to do for a few weeks. And then I went to an awards banquet. One of the speakers spoke about indecision. He eventually said that when it comes down to it, you can seek counsel from whomever you want to , but the decision is yours to make - no one elses. That hit me. So I decided to move back to my hometown.
I never expected what happened next. I would peruse the home listing sites every night before going to bed. Mainly just dreaming because there is no way that a single mother of four who is not employed can buy a house. One night I came across a home that had just been listed a few hours prior and already had 300+ views. So I sent the realtor an email about it. This house checked off every "wish" I had in a home. It was twice the size of the rental house we're in now, each kid would have a bedroom, it had a play room, big kitchen, lots of trees, and it sits on a half acre lot. It's 10 minutes from my parents, 10 minutes from the kids' school, 5 minutes from the grocery store, and north of the main part of town. I knew it wouldn't last long on the market, but I still felt like I needed to see it. The realtor sent me an email early the next morning. As I suspected he had already set up a handful of viewings of the home. So I told him I could meet him there that afternoon. When we arrived another realtor was showing the home to other people. But, I was the first person that the listing agent showed the home to. I walked in and - I'm not even kidding - knew that this was my home. I cannot explain it. I put in an offer 2 hours later. Within the hour my offer (which was the first to the buyers, and the only one they saw) was accepted!!!! There were 2 other offers that came in that evening AFTER they accepted mine. God has opened door after door with this home. I'm sure I'll be anxious about it until the keys are in my hands -but it just feels like God is all in this.
Fresh starts I suppose.
