It is no surprise that the past (nearly) nine weeks have been quite the roller coaster for my entire family. I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am an adult - I've had 36 years and many life lessons in order to learn how to cope and what works for me when I'm feeling certain emotions. Not that I've perfected it by any stretch of the imagination, but I like to think that I have a fairly good grasp. Our kids on the other hand have not had that luxury. They have been thrust into waters that no kid should ever have to go in to - on top of having ongoing issues with their biological father - and I'm amazed by THEIR strength. But, they have had various sudden changes in their attitudes on top of the break down's that happen. I absolutely hate it for them. As their mom I want to just fix it immediately for them. But, I also realize that everything that they're experiencing right now is shaping them into the young adults they will become. So my job is to help to guide them through it. And for that, I need God.
The past few days have been eye-opening to me. I have been reflecting upon the last 9 weeks; the ups, the downs, the breakdowns, the tears, the laughter...and something that I have noticed is that I haven't been pushing into God the way that I want need to.
When Kyle got his promotion, my faith wasn't shaken. I have zero doubt that my faith is still in tact. I had (and have) absolute trust in God that He knows what He's doing in all of this. But, I also haven't been spending time talking to God like I need to or studying His word like I need to. And it's really hit me this past week that I'm just kind of coasting along through this season in my life without inviting God to come in and have complete control. And I just keep feeling like God is speaking to me; telling me to draw closer to Him. Not only that, but I want for my kids to remember my faith throughout this time. When they are older and they look back on this time - I want them to remember the way that God provided, the way that God worked through this entire situation.
I've heard it said that if there are 100 steps between you and God, He will take 99 of those - but you have to be the one to take the last step towards Him. And that's what I'm doing.
Life has been so hectic lately - which I think can sometimes be a good thing since it also means my brain is occupied.
I love music. I feel that there are many times that a song or a lyric can speak more to what I'm feeling than my own brain can find words for. The past few days I have had this song in my brain. I don't remember when I first heard it - but it's been years ago now. Only now it's really fitting and hits me harder than it did when I first heard it.
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Our oldest son had his 11th birthday this past weekend. This was my first time in a long time flying solo on birthday parties. Kyle was the part decorator guy - he would turn our entire house into Minecraft worlds or Frozen themes. He got such a huge kick out of the challenge of seeing what all he could come up with - and he never disappointed! I, however, am not that creative. So, I gave Jacob options and he chose to have his birthday at the bowling alley and then just invited his two best pals to spend the night that night. It worked out well. The kids had fun. Jake was a little occupied by his thoughts the next day, though, and talked about how much he missed Kyle being at his birthday. Jake got a pretty good amount of birthday money to spend so I let him choose the store to go and spend some of it. Last night, we headed out to Toys 'R Us. He was looking at lego sets and kept asking me which one I thought Kyle would have thought was the coolest since he wasn't there to help Jake choose. I am clueless when it comes to lego. So he did the good old "eenie meenie miney moe" trick. Then in another part of the store he found something NOT lego related - a remote controlled AT-AT from Star Wars. His eyes lit up and he just KNEW that Kyle would have been majorly stoked about it, too.
And then we walked out of the store. All 3 of us pretty well stopped in our tracks. It was the most breathtaking sunset. And both kids nearly simultaneously said "look mom! Kyle painted us a sunset". I got chills. There are no iPhone photos that could come close to doing it justice - but I certainly tried to capture it so I could keep it...the fun part is that we came out of the store at the OPPORTUNE time to see it. By the time we got situated in the car to leave - it didn't look anywhere lose to how it had.
I started my internship today. Kyle would have been so excited (and proud) to hear about my first day. I can just see his face lighting up; not necessarily because it is an internship that is "up his alley" but because he would have been genuinely excited to see me so excited. I even have an official looking badge with my photo on it that I have to wear. That would have thrilled him. The whole thing would have thrilled him to know that I'm interning at a place where they work with the populations of people that interest me the most.
On the way home last night, Jacob was really solemn. He talked about missing Kyle and how he hated that Kyle hadn't been there for his birthday or to go shopping with him. Then he said that he felt really guilty because he was beginning to feel like he was getting used to Kyle not being here. I could tell he genuinely felt bad. But I had to explain to him that when Kyle got his promotion all I knew to pray about is that we would know how to navigate this new normal - and that what we are living now, without Kyle IS our new normal. That getting used to him being gone doesn't mean we don't miss him and that we wouldn't trade anything to have him back with us. It doesn't mean we don't still love him and it certainly doesn't mean that we are forgetting him or that he isn't a part of our lives - it only means that we are coming into our "new normal".
It has been 5 weeks now - and it still doesn't feel real.
One thing that especially gets to me is seeing friends' posts of their husbands with their kids - doing anything! Fishing, rough-housing, cuddling...anything. I realize that our two youngest will never get that experience with their dad. I don't even think I can quite wrap my brain around that.
