My laptop bit the big one and so writing hasn't been as easy to do as I have to pen it by hand and then transfer it to the big computer downstairs as I get a free minute.
It's been four months since I last wrote. That seems like an indicator that there is a healing of sorts that's been taking place.
One thing I do know as a fact is that there will never be a day that I can or will declare that I am officially healed of all the heartache of my husband dying. There will never be a complete healing of my heartache until the day that I see Kyle again. And honestly I don't wish for there to be a complete healing either. Feeling this heartache in the background of my otherwise chaotic life is a reminder of the love that is still and will always be there for him. The grief journey is just that - it's a journey. There isn't an end destination (other than heaven itself) so no matter how my life moves forward, grief will always remain.
You may recall that last October I had quite the experience on a trip to Florida. If you have a chance to click this link to give it a read (or a re-read) - please do. It may be one of my favorite blogs to go back and read because I can feel the restoration that took place during that trip every time I read it.
It was during that trip to Florida (more specifically to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium in Gainesville) that I felt Kyle forever sealed in my heart. I have tried and tried to figure out how to put into words what I mean when I say that. So I'm going to attempt to do just that.
When it comes to the average age that women become widows - I am an outlier; I am in the minority. I consider myself fairly young. And even according to the social security administration I am too young to be a widow - I concur. I was 35 when I assumed my title as "widow".
I can not see myself being alone for the rest of my life.
There I said it.
I miss the companionship. I miss having that person that I could tell anything and every thing to. My life is hectic. But at the end of the day once homework is finished, kids are in bed, dishes are done, and laundry is folded - it's just me and this staggering peace in my home that I didn't ask for. I'm having to learn what to do in that peace. But, I surely miss having my person.
I'm not dating anyone. I'm not in a relationship. I haven't gone on any dates since Kyle passed.
But, when I had that experience at Florida Field last October - I felt like Kyle was with me. I felt like he was giving me permission to live, to find happiness, to feel joy...to move forward; and not just where relationships are involved - but in life in general.
And it was during that time that I felt like Kyle and all of the love that I have for him was sealed into my heart in a place where it would always be protected and would never be able to be touched.
Back when my oldest son played baseball he was given the game ball for one of his games. His team had won that game and part of the reason was because my son had a double RBI. His coach wrote the date on the ball as well as my son's stats for the game and all of the coaches signed it.
That ball is SO special to all of us, especially to my son. So, I bought a glass case for it to be displayed. Because it's in a glass case we can look at it, read the words on it, reminisce about that day - but at the same time it is protected from any outside dangers - dust, water, my four-year-old's creative mind...haha! It sits on a shelf so that should he get any other awards, we can add those to the shelf as well. But, there will never be another Roughnecks game ball.
That is like this seal that I'm speaking of around my heart. It is there to protect this love that I have for Kyle. It keeps it safe. It's still very much accessible, but I don't have to worry about anything happening to it.
At the same time my heart has still has love in it to give. I think I've mentioned it here before but I can't imagine not being able to love again in this lifetime. Whether God has that already in place as a part of His plan for my life or not - I can't say. But, it's also something that I have discovered that I could be open to.
I'm going to be open for a second; that seems to be the general theme of my entire blogging history. But, a few months ago I made an account on a dating site. I know, I know. It really wasn't with the intent to find someone - but more or less to see what kind of proverbial fish there are out there. I closed it down almost as quickly as I signed up. It became quite obvious to me that venturing into any dating world on this side of grief is going to be completely different from venturing into the dating world as a divorcee.
And that is what makes me completely hesitant.
One big reason? I honestly think it is going to be difficult for any man (who isn't a widower himself) to fully grasp the concept that I will always love Kyle, that Kyle will be talked about on a regular basis; not only for my sake but for the sake of my kids. I can't really say that I would fault someone for not being able to understand that idea, I'm sure I wouldn't have be able to fully grasp it either before I was in these shoes.
So this has led to God really working in me to work ON me.
My focus at this time in my life is on me.
When Kyle first died I was focused so much on our kids. I wanted to make sure that their needs were being met. There was nothing wrong and everything right with that mindset. I needed to make sure that my children were able to transition into this new normal without Kyle and I knew that I could put myself on the back burner. And that I did. I let things on my end go downhill.
Early 2017 I really started doing some introspection. I started trying to examine who I am, what my goals are. When Kyle was alive we had goals as a married couple that intertwined with our individual goals. But, as it happens when life changes - goals change. And I realized that my goals needed an update to fit my present and future circumstances.
One thing that I decided to do was to start a bucket list of sorts. Not a list of things that I want to do before I die - but a list of adventures to adventure while I am single. It's a list of things to stretch my comfort levels, to push my boundaries, and to really be able to explore what it is that makes me, me.
Some of the things on my list are easily doable such as go to a movie alone. That may sound like a walk in the park but do you know that I had never been to a movie by myself in my entire 37 years? I already crossed that one off my list back in May and it was actually rather enjoyable.
Other things that may be a little harder are things such as going out to eat at a nice restaurant alone. I'm trying to figure out exactly how awkward that might be.
Others include taking a conceal/carry class, do a 5K, sit in a coffee shop for an afternoon, take a weekend trip alone, etc. I'm still adding here and there to my list.
I may very well never date again. So I figure that this is training me to be able to do typical "date" things by myself. I want to get to the point that I'm completely comfortable with that.
Another huge part of my focus has been on finding a church. I hadn't been to church since before Kyle passed away. I tried a couple of churches here and there over the past year, but about four months ago landed in a church at not only I felt at home in - but 75% of my kids love! :) My youngest is in an "attached to mom no matter what" phase so he's having to learn to be comfortable in the church nursery. But, this church was a big answer to prayer for us.
Kyle and I had previously had discussions about the type of church we wanted our children to grow up in. We had such fond memories of our youth group days and a church with a strong youth group similar to our own experiences was high on the list. This church that we've been going to has a large youth group and as I read through their activities and missions - it reminded me so much of my own youth group and also of how Kyle would recall his youth group. It has been a weight lifted off of my heart to find a place like this to grow with my family.
And bonus - going to "big people church" alone is stretching out those "single wings" of mine.
One part of my grief class talked about taking care of your health. It was highly recommended that we see our doctors, get regular check up's and stay on top of our health. Grief can do all sorts of things to your health that you may not even be aware of and I have four children to raise by myself.
So, my health has been shifted to one of my top priorities.
I found a doctor last October to go see for a physical. Luckily my genetics have helped out with me being a pretty healthy human and all of my blood work and vitals came back normal - except for my weight which I already knew wasn't "normal".
So at the end of June of this year I started really zoning in on developing healthier eating habits as well as getting myself moving. I'm not sure what shifted with me - but I've hit a stride with my health that makes me so excited and often makes me say I don't even know who I am anymore. haha!
I'm down about 25 pounds since then (but not stopping there...), I am at my lowest weight as an adult, and have remained faithful to going on a walk/jog four times per week at least.
I saw my doctor again this month for my annual physical. All of my "normal rage" numbers from last year have all come down even more. He said "whatever you're doing, keep doing it!".
I have so much more energy and I can tell that overall my mood has seen a big shift. I feel so much joy in knowing that I'm taking care of myself.
I feel myself getting stronger physically and mentally. Becoming healthier - exercising regularly - has been one of the best medicines I have found for my grief.
This has lead to me wanting to sign up to do a 5K next year as well as participate in what they call the Warrior Dash in May.
I have clung to the mantra of "becoming the best version of myself" and I have determined to do just that.
The song that Kyle and I danced to at our wedding was called Best of Me by Michael Buble. It's a beautiful song about a person who had a failed relationship the first go 'round and how they found their "one more chance" and hope that they saved the best of themselves for their new love.
Sometimes I feel guilty that Kyle didn't get this version of me; I truly feel like I'm morphing into this version of myself that I've never even known. At the same time - I know that I gave him the best version of myself as I knew how. And even still he is inspiring me, pushing me, to keep going on this journey that I'm on. I hear him in the back of my head telling me he's proud of me for working so hard, and with that smirk on his face saying "I told you so".
Do I still grieve? Yes! And I will until the day I die. Grief doesn't ever just "go away". The only difference is that I'm learning more how to cope when it does come; to embrace it. The best thing I've learned is not to fight it; give in to the grief when it comes knocking.
I no longer wish for the grief to just leave. It is a reminder of the presence that Kyle still has in my heart. Instead I have learned to appreciate the grief and the reason it is there.
It's there because of the amount of love that I had and will always have for Kyle.
