I am alone.
Not in the sense that I have the absence of people in my life - there have been so many amazing friends and family who have come to help me with the kids, let me vent, kept me occupied, checked in on me.
But I am alone in the sense that no one in my life has ever lost a spouse at a young age. In fact, of my immediate family and friends, the youngest to lose a spouse is my grandpa Rust who lost his bride, my grandma Esther, last year. The very grandma Esther who had lost her first husband, as a young lady with 2 small children at home and one on the way (my dad). Our stories were so similar - and there have been so many times that I wish I could just pick up the phone call her and talk to her, because I know she'd get it, but she passed away only 4 months before my husband did.
So. I am alone.
I lost my husband, my best friend. Our kids lost their dad. His mother lost her son. His brother and sisters lost their brother. So while we all share in the fact that we have lost this beautiful human being from our lives - we are all alone in that we each have no way of knowing what the other is walking through. So instead of saying we're all in the same boat - I think it's safer to say that we all survived the same sinking ship, but we're all in different life boats.
I have realized that I have shut myself off from people. And I think a lot of it has to do with knowing that no one could possibly relate to what I'm going through and so I'd rather just save them from the awkward parts in the conversation where they would typically say "I get it" or "I understand". Because no, no they don't. And I hope that they never do.
I picked up a book called "Confessions of a Mediocre Widow". With being so busy with wrapping up school, and pregnancy, and kids...I haven't finished it yet, but now that I'm practically finished with school I plan on picking it up again. But, when I first started reading it - I found myself nodding in agreement as I read. The lady who wrote it lost her husband unexpectedly when he was, I believe, 34. They had 3 small kids at home. And every scenario she goes over has resonated hugely with me. If you ever want to get some kind of idea as to what thoughts have gone through my head (in hearing my husband wasn't going to live, in leaving the hospital without him, in planning a funeral I never wanted to plan, in telling the kids, etc) buy the book! It's not all sad and somber - there is definitely humor in it - but it's most certainly spot on as far as my situation is concerned (a few excerpts):
