dreams

I had a dream last night about him. 

He was in the hospital and having the same issues that had sent him to the hospital in "real life".  Except this time they figured out exactly what it was and fixed him.  It involved them having to do surgery to remove some pressure in his brain.  When I got to his room after the surgery they had to perform - he was sitting up, alert, awake, and he looked right at me, smiled that big smile of his that I miss so much and said "hey beautiful!" (this was a favorite greeting of his for me - and some of his last texts to me began much the same).

I was sad when I woke up and found that it wasn't real.  But, at the same time I got to hear him again, see him again, hug him again - even if it was in my dreams, it felt so real. 

I remember before he passed I begged him to send me signs, to let me know he's still around me.  He visited in my dreams last night - and if that's the only way I can experience him, I'll take it.

I especially needed him last night after the evening I had. 

I knew that nothing about this transition was going to be easy - especially with our two oldest kids.  Our toddler sees our family picture and will point to me, say "mama", then point to me in the photo, then he'll point to his brother, say his name, then point to his brother in the picture.  Then he points at his dad and just looks at me.  So I've started pointing up and saying "dada, heaven" just to give him something.  I know he doesn't fully get it yet, but I feel so awful when he's obviously wondering where dad is.

Last night, I took all three kids to the grocery story.  I've done this a million times before so it wasn't some huge deal - but it felt different because I knew that this was our new normal.  When the older kids balked at the thought of having to go to the store, I knew that it would behoove me to plan shopping trips while they're in school.  Nevertheless - a trip last night was unavoidable.  And those two bickered the entire time. The. Entire. Time! What should have taken us 30 minutes ended up taking over an hour with having to stop so many times to break up fights. I know they are experiencing emotions and feelings they never have before - but at the same time I hear him in my head telling me that I'm only hurting them in the end if I don't squash it now.  They knew I was upset when we left the store and when we got home - I let them know exactly how I felt.  Our oldest - who is typically the most patient, tender hearted of our bunch has had a lot of angry outbursts over the past week; he even shouted that he hated rules and he especially hated the "stupid" expectations board that we've had for the past year.  And our girl - she's had her own fair share of disrespect issues before he passed - but she was making so many strides in the right direction.  She has reverted and is talking back and has a reply for every single thing I say.  If he was here - he wouldn't stand for it for a single second.  It scares me to be in this boat alone.  They are just a couple of years from being teens and I need him here more than ever right now.  He was always so amazing with disciplining the kids.  He was a "stick to your guns" kind of guy and didn't give them wiggle room to get away with things.  We had all really seen a change with the kids, especially over the past few months. This is one of the scary parts for me; that I'll screw up this whole parenting/discipline thing and my kids won't be able to become the young adults that we always knew were in there.  I hope that I always hear him in my head - the words he would say to them, how he'd say them - and that I have the ability to stick with it and be consistent!

I pray for my kids the same that I did when I went through my divorce from their sperm donor - that they get through this as unscathed as humanly possible.  One thing I am so grateful for is that his family is around.  Our "village" has doubled and there are that many more people to help make sure that the kids are given the best chance at getting through this and coming out as stellar humans on the other side.