The honest answer is that I don't know what it's done to my faith. I know that sounds odd. The human side of me says that my faith has taken a huge blow; that I'm angry at God and don't feel like I can talk to Him right now; that it's absolutely unfair and I'm utterly disappointed at God for not healing my husband here on earth.
But, as I think about it I realize that my faith hasn't take a big blow. In fact I feel as if I tell people quite often that my option right now is to completely trust that God knows what He's doing - because I sure as heck don't. I'm not necessarily angry at God; don't get me wrong - as I stood there holding my husband's hand and rubbing his head as he got his promotion - I was filled with anger and sorrow like I have never felt before. And in the days following - I was confused by why God would have taken him. Why would God have taken my children's dad - leaving them to grow up without him in their lives? So confusion...lots of it. Anger? Not as much as I feel that other people may have. And I'll say that that's perfectly okay. As I stated earlier, there is no blueprint for grief. I get that. So if people need to feel absolute anger - then they should be allowed to feel angry. If people need to curl up in bed and take a few days off from life - that's just as fine. I have found that each of us who are experiencing this grief together are all experiencing it in our own ways.
Do I want to question why He didn't heal my husband - absolutely, yes! But I also know that allowing my brain to go down that path will lead to zero answers and 100% frustration, plus I know that if my husband were still here he would hate for me to just sit and stew on it.
Please don't think that I'm saying that my faith has grown by leaps and bounds and I'm closer to God now than ever before - because that's not the case either. All I do know is that God has a plan in all of this - and that alone is enough to provide some kind of peace for me.
My mother-in-law came over a few days ago to visit and drop off some cards and gifts that had come in the mail. She had had lunch with her dad. I'll stop here and say that grandad is an incredible, God-fearing man who I have nothing but absolute love and respect for. I am thankful for him (and even more so that he's a big part of why my husband turned out the way he did). Anyway - my mother-in-law shared with me that at lunch grandad made such a great point - he said that we have no way of knowing if my husband would have been the same person had he come out of sedation - we also don't know what kind of care he would have required. At this point it's a huge guessing game - but he said that maybe God was being merciful in taking my husband to heaven when He did. What an incredible way to look at it.
God has never once promised that our journeys would be easy - but he does promise that He will never leave us. It's this promise that I'm clinging to.
Do I want to question why He didn't heal my husband - absolutely, yes! But I also know that allowing my brain to go down that path will lead to zero answers and 100% frustration, plus I know that if my husband were still here he would hate for me to just sit and stew on it.
Please don't think that I'm saying that my faith has grown by leaps and bounds and I'm closer to God now than ever before - because that's not the case either. All I do know is that God has a plan in all of this - and that alone is enough to provide some kind of peace for me.
My mother-in-law came over a few days ago to visit and drop off some cards and gifts that had come in the mail. She had had lunch with her dad. I'll stop here and say that grandad is an incredible, God-fearing man who I have nothing but absolute love and respect for. I am thankful for him (and even more so that he's a big part of why my husband turned out the way he did). Anyway - my mother-in-law shared with me that at lunch grandad made such a great point - he said that we have no way of knowing if my husband would have been the same person had he come out of sedation - we also don't know what kind of care he would have required. At this point it's a huge guessing game - but he said that maybe God was being merciful in taking my husband to heaven when He did. What an incredible way to look at it.
God has never once promised that our journeys would be easy - but he does promise that He will never leave us. It's this promise that I'm clinging to.
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