pipes

I had a great conversation this past week with a fellow student from my college.  We spoke about life in general - the changes that come; some we choose for ourselves, some are chosen for us.  She said that her pastor once told them something along the lines of "you will never know the strength of a pipe until you apply pressure to it - only then will it's flaws and issues be revealed so that they can be sealed and fixed".  This struck me in a huge way! And unbeknownst to her, it was something that I needed to hear.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough for me and for our kids.

I knew it was coming.  We were told that results of the autopsy that the Doctor ordered would take 3-4 months to get to us.  So as the 3 month mark was approaching, I would check the mailbox with more and more caution.  I knew it was close when I got a call from the funeral home that they had his final death certificate for me to pick up.  I decided against picking it up until I had gotten the final autopsy report. I got home that day and opened the mail box.  All I saw was a thick envelope, but my heart sank because I immediately knew what it was.  I pulled it out of the mailbox and I sat there in my van in front of my house and just stared at the writing on the front.

"Office of the chief medical examiner".

Those words struck some kind of nerve and I had a good, long cry sitting there in the middle of the road. Even not knowing what was on the inside, it was just yet another reminder that he was gone and never coming back.

We wanted answers and we knew that there was a good chance that the report would contain some kind of answers.  But at the same time - this is one of those steps in this process that makes his being gone so final.

I had already decided long ago that I wouldn't open these results by myself - I wanted his family to be there too.  So his mom, sisters, and I made plans for that evening when we could all get together.

I'll pause here to say that I already knew that the idea of making some public announcement about what his report contained was something that I, quite honestly, never felt comfortable with. Kyle was a pretty private guy and I know that he wouldn't want some broadcast made.  So - I will not be making any kind of public announcements regarding his report.  Those who need to know, know.  I know it's that whole vague "I have news, but I'm not sharing the news" kind of posts - but this is also my little place for keeping my thoughts so it is what it is.

I will say that as we sat around and read the 10 or so pages included in the report - it felt really anticlimactic.  I believe that for all of us there are more questions than there are answers. I'm thankful that the cause wasn't "unknown" - but at the same time I think we feel like there are missing pieces.

It was and is a hard pill to swallow that we may never actually really know or have a timeline of the chain of events of his passing.  Yet again one of those areas that I have to fully trust God.

I do, however, believe that in all of this, like that pipe, God is putting pressure on me - He's revealing my flaws, my weaknesses, and He's using these times to ultimately strengthen me for His purpose.  But, I'm not going to lie - it sucks in the mean time.

I've started the process of packing away some of his things that were in our room.  Mainly they are things that will have to be moved in order to make room for baby.  But I ran across his cologne bottles.  I know it's something I've mentioned in a few posts - about how I've avoided opening them because I knew what it would do to me.  But, this time I did it.  I opened the lid. I closed my eyes. I took in a deep breath of his scent.  In a single instant there was a flood of so many memories in my head that were all attached to that smell. I was quickly overwhelmed; as I knew I would be. But oh how I have missed that smell.  It was difficult, but at the same time it was so worth it.

(As a side note - I have begun work on a new project.  It's something that I knew I wanted to do since he very first left us.  The only way that I ever got to know what it is that I do know about my grandpa (my dad's dad who passed away before my dad was born) was to ask my grandma or my aunts questions - and lots of them.  I WANT for our kids and even our future grandkids to ask questions about him - I want for them to feel like they know him.  So - I've decided to put together a book.  An actual, factual, hard bound, printed book all about him.  This book will contain facts about Kyle, pictures, memories (from me, our kids, his family, his friends, people he knew in his youth, pastors, etc) and anything else that I can think of.  I'm trying to think in terms of if I had this resource available to me about my own grandpa, what would I love to have in it.  I plan on gathering everything I can and then using my self-imposed maternity leave to piece it all together and then have copies printed at least for our 4 children.  He was young - but he was such an amazing and incredible human that he deserves to have a legacy passed down to his kids.  Plus, I believe that it will help the kids (especially Charlie and Liam) to feel a connection to their dad since Charlie was so young when he passed, and Liam will have never gotten to actually meet him.  So - I am putting that out here now.  I will be making a public call on social media about it, but if you are reading this and have ANY memories that stick out to you about Kyle; anything he said that was funny or encouraging, or wise, or any stories or memories you'd love to share, and photos that you have (even if it seems insignificant or unimportant, I guarantee it's all a part of what made Kyle who he was and something that myself and his kids and family will treasure) - I have set up an email address specifically for this purpose.  It's MakkMemories@gmail.com You don't have to save up every story for just ONE email - if something pops in your head - feel free to make a note and send an email.  I do ask that if you are sharing stories or photos - please include a year or a date of some kind within the email so that I can try to make it close to chronological and also how you know Kyle (be it from youth group, work, gaming, etc)

empty

The past couple of weeks I've really noticed this overwhelming emptiness setting in.  Not that I'm sad per se and not that I'm lonely - just that I feel empty.  I've noticed that the waves of Kyle's death that have been hitting me have hit a lot deeper and a lot harder in recent days than they had been.  Instead of just missing having him here - I've noticed that there is an ache deep in my bones that he isn't here.  It's a deep, deep sense of sorrow in the pit of my soul that I've not felt before.  It's both welcomed and also scary all at the same time.  THIS is what I thought grief would feel like. THIS is what I've been cautiously waiting on to arrive. The finality of his death is just beginning to sink in and the numbness of him being gone is starting to thaw.

I welcome it because for so long I was so afraid I was repressing stuff that would come back later. I was worried that I wasn't grieving right (though as discussed, I've realized there is no "right" way to grieve). And having it arrive means that it's here for me to be able to eventually work through. I'm not in a hurry for it to leave. I want to feel it. I need to feel it. I don't want it to completely consume me until I find myself in a black hole I can't get out of, but I need to walk through this as a part of my own healing process. 

I find that I've avoided thinking about the future without him.  I've kept my blinders on and only been taking care of the here and now.  I think that staying busy with everything has kept my mind occupied from allowing myself to "go there".  I've done a lot of compartmentalizing with the various aspects of life so that whatever needs my attention at the time gets my attention and everything else has to wait its turn.   I haven't set out to make myself sad either.  I've steered clear of opening his cologne or going through his things (other than his shirts - which we are working on really special keep sake items for our kids and family).  But he still finds his way to me when I need him most.

Our daughter has been having a particularly rough time.  On one of her lowest days, I was feeling like I was at a complete loss about what to do or what to say to her - all I could do was cry.  I was brokenhearted for her, especially in being so young and going through so much that not even most adults would know how to handle.  I was also feeling anger on her behalf that she was having to go through this.  I was scared that I wouldn't be able to help her and worried about her future and how it will affect her.  I logged on to facebook that evening and looked on my "on this day" page and this is what I saw:

A reminder from him.  It felt like he had reached down and wrapped his arms around me and told me that it was going to be okay.  It was just what I needed.  I absolutely cherish these reminders that pop up unexpectedly, yet at the most needed times.

The time is quickly approaching that I'm going to have to start going through some of his things.  Our baby is due in 9 weeks time and I'll need to work on making some space for baby's things.  I'm trying to mentally prepare myself - yet at the same time I know that there are such amazing memories attached to some of the things I'll run across that it'll, no doubt, be good therapy.

I'm trying to stay away from imagining what going through labor and delivery will be like without him by my side. I know that feeling our baby twist and turn and kick inside of me has been an amazing way of constantly feeling Kyle with me - and I'm scared to not have that reminder any more. 

Still a long road ahead of us all.

As for other aspects of life. Well, baby #4 is due in 9 weeks, I graduate from college in 8.5 weeks, I am in the middle of my senior capstone project (my presentation for which is in about 7 weeks).  Then starts job searching.  Along with that comes decisions about whether or not to relocate.  I've decided to put off graduate school for a year while we all adjust to having a new baby and me going back to work full time.  Life is hectic. But at the same time - we are so blessed.  My attorney was asking me about everything yesterday and she said "I just don't even know how you're doing it all".  My reply was simple - it's all God, prayers, and my support system.  There may be times that I feel empty, but I know that I am not alone.