draw closer

It is no surprise that the past (nearly) nine weeks have been quite the roller coaster for my entire family.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am an adult - I've had 36 years and many life lessons in order to learn how to cope and what works for me when I'm feeling certain emotions.  Not that I've perfected it by any stretch of the imagination, but I like to think that I have a fairly good grasp.  Our kids on the other hand have not had that luxury.  They have been thrust into waters that no kid should ever have to go in to - on top of having ongoing issues with their biological father - and I'm amazed by THEIR strength. But, they have had various sudden changes in their attitudes on top of the break down's that happen.  I absolutely hate it for them.  As their mom I want to just fix it immediately for them.  But, I also realize that everything that they're experiencing right now is shaping them into the young adults they will become.  So my job is to help to guide them through it.  And for that, I need God.

The past few days have been eye-opening to me.  I have been reflecting upon the last 9 weeks; the ups, the downs, the breakdowns, the tears, the laughter...and something that I have noticed is that I haven't been pushing into God the way that I want need to. 

When Kyle got his promotion, my faith wasn't shaken.  I have zero doubt that my faith is still in tact.  I had (and have) absolute trust in God that He knows what He's doing in all of this.  But, I also haven't been spending time talking to God like I need to or studying His word like I need to.  And it's really hit me this past week that I'm just kind of coasting along through this season in my life without inviting God to come in and have complete control. And I just keep feeling like God is speaking to me; telling me to draw closer to Him.  Not only that, but I want for my kids to remember my faith throughout this time.  When they are older and they look back on this time - I want them to remember the way that God provided, the way that God worked through this entire situation. 

I've heard it said that if there are 100 steps between you and God, He will take 99 of those - but you have to be the one to take the last step towards Him.  And that's what I'm doing.

...not as we

Life has been so hectic lately - which I think can sometimes be a good thing since it also means my brain is occupied.


I love music.  I feel that there are many times that a song or a lyric can speak more to what I'm feeling than my own brain can find words for.  The past few days I have had this song in my brain. I don't remember when I first heard it - but it's been years ago now.  Only now it's really fitting and hits me harder than it did when I first heard it.


I


Our oldest son had his 11th birthday this past weekend.  This was my first time in a long time flying solo on birthday parties. Kyle was the part decorator guy - he would turn our entire house into Minecraft worlds or Frozen themes.  He got such a huge kick out of the challenge of seeing what all he could come up with - and he never disappointed! I, however, am not that creative.  So, I gave Jacob options and he chose to have his birthday at the bowling alley and then just invited his two best pals to spend the night that night.  It worked out well.  The kids had fun. Jake was a little occupied by his thoughts the next day, though, and talked about how much he missed Kyle being at his birthday.  Jake got a pretty good amount of birthday money to spend so I let him choose the store to go and spend some of it.  Last night, we headed out to Toys 'R Us.  He was looking at lego sets and kept asking me which one I thought Kyle would have thought was the coolest since he wasn't there to help Jake choose.  I am clueless when it comes to lego.  So he did the good old "eenie meenie miney moe" trick. Then in another part of the store he found something NOT lego related - a remote controlled AT-AT from Star Wars.  His eyes lit up and he just KNEW that Kyle would have been majorly stoked about it, too.

And then we walked out of the store.  All 3 of us pretty well stopped in our tracks.  It was the most breathtaking sunset.  And both kids nearly simultaneously said "look mom! Kyle painted us a sunset".  I got chills.  There are no iPhone photos that could come close to doing it justice - but I certainly tried to capture it so I could keep it...the fun part is that we came out of the store at the OPPORTUNE time to see it.  By the time we got situated in the car to leave - it didn't look anywhere lose to how it had.

I started my internship today.  Kyle would have been so excited (and proud) to hear about my first day.  I can just see his face lighting up; not necessarily because it is an internship that is "up his alley" but because he would have been genuinely excited to see me so excited.  I even have an official looking badge with my photo on it that I have to wear.  That would have thrilled him.  The whole thing would have thrilled him to know that I'm interning at a place where they work with the populations of people that interest me the most.

On the way home last night, Jacob was really solemn.  He talked about missing Kyle and how he hated that Kyle hadn't been there for his birthday or to go shopping with him.  Then he said that he felt really guilty because he was beginning to feel like he was getting used to Kyle not being here.  I could tell he genuinely felt bad.  But I had to explain to him that when Kyle got his promotion all I knew to pray about is that we would know how to navigate this new normal - and that what we are living now, without Kyle IS our new normal.  That getting used to him being gone doesn't mean we don't miss him and that we wouldn't trade anything to have him back with us.  It doesn't mean we don't still love him and it certainly doesn't mean that we are forgetting him or that he isn't a part of our lives - it only means that we are coming into our "new normal". 

It has been  5 weeks now - and it still doesn't feel real.

One thing that especially gets to me is seeing friends' posts of their husbands with their kids - doing anything! Fishing, rough-housing, cuddling...anything.  I realize that our two youngest will never get that experience with their dad.  I don't even think I can quite wrap my brain around that.

funny memories

In case you don't have Facebook - there is a feature that will show you what your posts were on the same day in years past.  I enjoy it most of the time - it triggers memories.  Today was no different:

Oh my goodness am I glad this popped up today!  I actually laughed out loud remembering this.

We live in a rented home.  Our landlord has been wonderful at getting to any issues we may have in a fairly quick manner.  We hadn't even been here a year when the kitchen sink stopped draining.  And it was nasty.  It backed up into the sink and there was a greasy film on the water.  We assume that the previous tenants had tried to use the disposal for who knows what. 

I mentioned calling the landlord.  But, Kyle was determined that this was a problem that he was going to fix.  He tried draino in every drain we have (laundry, bath, every sink) knowing that all drains lead to one place, he tried this stuff called Instaflo (the vapor alone stings your eyes and throat), he tried the plunger in both sides of the sink.  This junk was not moving. We woke up the next day and the water had sloooooooowly drained from the sink all night.  Little did I know that Kyle had been up most of the night online looking for solutions.  And he presented his findings to me. I just stared at him and asked if he was sure we shouldn't call the landlord - haha!

He proceeded to bring the outside water hose into our house. He stuffed it into the pipes under the kitchen sink and stuffed towels in and around it to create a seal of some sorts.  He also stuffed rags down in the opening of the drain in the laundry room to make sure that water didn't come up in there (he had somehow figured out that those were our two main areas of concentration).  I held the rags that were stuffed into the laundry drain and he had made sure that the rags stuffed around the hose in the kitchen pipes wasn't going anywhere. 

Then he turned on the outside hose.

The theory was that the water would shoot through the pipes so fast that it would shoot out any blockage that was there.

I kind of watched with one eye closed. I had visions in my head of a Chevy Chase-type scene where this water with a greasy film shoots out from every drain in the house and covers the rooms with unidentified globs of years worth of build up.

But, the craziest thing happened - IT WORKED!!!!!

We stared at each other, eyes wide open, not saying anything for a second.  Then we just sat there and laughed! I think he was just as surprised as I was that this crazy idea actually worked - and worked well!  We haven't had any drain issues since.

pieces of him

As you know my husband passed away unexpectedly on Christmas Day.

Before we got married he painted this for me. It's me and my two older kids sitting in a tree. My son with a train next to him, my daughter wearing fairy wings (totally them!)

I took it out a few days ago so I could get the measurements to have it framed. I turned it over. I never realized he had written on the back. "One Man's Treasure" dated Christmas Day 2011.

I got goosebumps!

Fast forward to today.  I have been going through the house and purging and organizing like it's going out of style.  I still haven't brought myself to go through any of his things yet - but there's plenty of other things to go through to keep me busy for a while.
In our utility room I saw a box that I knew contained painting and drawing supplies that I had given to Kyle before we had gotten married.  He had once shared with me how he wanted to get back to painting (something that he had done before - and something he was so great at!).  So, me being clueless, went online and Googled information about different painting supplies.  I found an online art supply store and blindly ordered things.  Kyle seemingly loved them.  I opened the big box today and there was the art supplies that I was so excited to order and he was so excited to receive.  In that box was a of acrylics I had gotten for him.  I opened them. There they all laid - so perfectly displayed.  Not a single tube had been used - save 3.  The three he used in the painting above.  I sat there and stared at the orange, yellow, and brown tubes with their indentations from where his fingers had squeezed the paint on on a pallet.  I picked those tubes out and just ran my fingers over the indentations - knowing that the last time they were used, he was thinking about me, making something for me.  I couldn't hold back the tears. It was a perfect reminder, frozen in time, of him; his love of always thinking of others.  I don't know that I could ever use these acrylics - or give them away.  Once again - it's a tangible remnant of him.

I think that keeping myself busy is some kind of defense mechanism.  It's my way of keeping my brain occupied so that I don't have to think.  Today was no different.  I noticed this morning that I had this heaviness hanging over me.  I went to tickle my toddler and his laugh made me laugh out loud - and then I immediately though about Kyle.  He absolutely loved our toddler's laugh.  It gave him the biggest kick to be able to make him laugh.  And - he'll never hear his laugh again.  His dad will never tickle him again. That hit me. And hard. Our daughter was emotional last night - talking about how she missed how Kyle would always wrestle with them. How do I replace that?  How do I give my kids that kind of "dad fun"?

I had an OB appointment yesterday and got to see our newest little one.  I was able to share that appointment with Kyle's sister.  I was so glad she was able to be there with me.  Baby Liam looks great and everything seems to be going well. I'm so anxious to see him, to hold him.  I told Kyle's sister that a part of my feeling so comforted is knowing that I, literally, have a piece of Kyle in me with Liam - and we have a piece of Kyle here with Charlie.  So Kyle is still here - it's not a replacement for him being HERE - nothing could ever replace that - but his boys being made up of him - he's never going to be gone.

life goes on

I have been reminded this week, that even though my world has metaphorically been standing still since December 25 - life itself goes on.

I started school this past week.  It, like many other experiences, was bittersweet.  It's my last semester of my undergraduate career - and I know that Kyle would have been so excited to see me start it off.  The welcome from my professors and fellow students has been heartwarming.  I have gotten so many hugs and "I'm praying for you's".  I'm taking my final internship class this semester.  I had an interview today for my internship site.  I have recently found out that this place looks to hire on their interns - and from what I've heard about salaries and benefits, it sounds like a great place to get my foot in the door.  Kyle would be absolutely beaming at this news! (separate post coming about the interview).

Life goes on.

2 out of our 3 kids have gotten sick over the past week; both with different illnesses.  I'm glad to say that they are both on the mend - but this was my first time dealing with sick kiddos without him. I could definitely feel the loss.  Our pediatrician is amazing though.  When I had taken our youngest in to see her, I let her know about Kyle.  She told me that I had the right to be as paranoid as I need to be right now where my kids' health is concerned.  Then a few days ago our oldest started coming down with symptoms that just 10 months ago caused him a seizure and won him a helicopter ride and a week's stay at to a children's hospital.  So I wasted no time in getting him in with the pediatrician.  The pediatrician got him figured out and suggested some over the counter medicines and he's nearly 100%.

Life goes on.

The check engine light in my van came on today.  Luckily my sister was in town so I was able to get it into the shop fairly quickly so they could run diagnostics on it. It could have either been a cheap and easy fix or an expensive and difficult fix.  Thank God it ended up being the cheap and easy fix.

Life goes on.

The laundry hasn't piled up, the dishes have been getting done, I've gone to classes, the kids get to school on time, dinner gets fixed, the house gets cleaned, the baby gets bathed, groceries get bought....life has continued on.

But, I think about him with every little thing that happens.  Like today - his mom and I headed to the social security office 45 minutes away to start getting things sorted out. It was a really great trip, despite them telling me that they couldn't help me there so I'd need to go to a different office or wait for my February phone appointment. But, I had a great time visiting with my mom-in-law on the way there and back - and even some what chuckling at our bad luck.  And in the back of my mind I knew Kyle would have enjoyed the ride and he would have tried to find some kind of humor in our misfortune.

Granted, the break downs have shortened and I have found myself smiling more than crying when I remember things about him.  But he's still very much a part of our day to day lives.

There was a time this past week when both kids had really rough nights with going to sleep.  They were remembering every detail about Kyle; how he played with them, how he talked to them when they were having crappy days, the way he'd hug them when they got home from school.  So, we sat up - on a school night - until past 11 o'clock and we all just cried together.  I don't know exactly what to say to them when they have these moments.  I don't want to talk them out of feeling sad - I want them to have those times to be able to get it out.  But, I am praying that they will eventually get to the point that the memories of his hugs, his soft spoken nature, the jokes he'd make....that those memories will make them laugh and be grateful for the time that we did get to have with him  - time that WE got and that no one else got to have.  I absolutely cherish those memories and I want to make sure that they stay at the forefront of our minds.

Even still - life goes on.

identities

I'm a firm believer that in life you find your identity in many things; and as you go along in life you constantly have to re-adjust your identities. 

As a teenager, I found my identity in school as a student and also as an employee as I took on my first job.  When I was married the first time, I found my identity in being a wife - and then added on to that was being a mother.  When I went through my divorce, it was a shock to my system because one of my identities had been taken from me.  I had to re-adjust and figure out my identity as a divorced, single mother - and no longer his wife.  Once I was through it - I found that this transition was actually rather enjoyable; I was able to find "me" again - as my first marriage took a lot of the "me" I knew and shoved her aside. I learned so many lessons during this transition - namely should I ever marry again, I knew to stay true to who I was despite a husband becoming a part of my identity. Shortly after my divorce, I added a new identity to my already established "single mother" status;  I became a full time student in college.  I thoroughly enjoyed this time in my life and loved adding this title to my list.

Then there was Kyle. Although he added yet another new identity to my being - he never once took away from my other identities or forced me to lose who I was in the process of becoming his "girlfriend" and then later as "Kyle's wife". In our marriage, I happily took on the status of Kyle's wife, mom, student, individual, etc.  And I was able to not lose myself and find a cohesive joining of them all. I felt like I had finally mastered the art of embracing my identities without my identities kicking "me" out.

Then Kyle was taken from me.  And with that, once again there's a change up in my identities.  I have to figure out how to go from "Kyle's wife" - to widow. I've come across several Facebook groups for widows.  One puts it so well "the exclusive club that no woman wants to be a member of".  Truer words have never been spoken!

Obviously the reason for my first marriage failing is completely night and day - not even in the same ballpark - from the reasons why I'm technically no longer a wife now.  So the stripping of an identity this time isn't something I wanted - it isn't something I sought out -and it's nothing that I had ever in a million years thought would happen. 

So here I am, yet again, on a path that's all my own - a path in which I am in charge of cutting out my own way - no road maps to tell me which way to go.  I just have to forge ahead and trust that I'm going in a good direction.

sinking in

I made dinner tonight for just me and my kids for the first time since he got his promotion. My mom has been here a lot in the past 2 weeks - so one of us would cook dinner - but having that extra person at the dinner table made it feel like nothing was really out of the ordinary.  But tonight as I sat at the table with our 10 year old, 9 year old, and 2 year old - it started sinking in that he really wasn't here.  I lost my appetite pretty quickly and just sat there zoning out - trying to remember the details of the last meal we all ate at home together. Even the kids were talking about him not being there tonight and how he would always love it when I made spaghetti (tonight's dinner of choice).

Later this evening I was watching a funny clip online tonight.  My first reaction was "I can't wait to show this to my husband when he gets home". And then a split second later my brain reminded me that he won't be coming home.  Even still it took a few minutes of my mind searching for reasons why he won't be coming home before it felt like a huge, breathtaking punch in my gut.

He won't be coming home.

My brain kept repeating that over and over and it's like my mind was failing (or refusing) to compute.  It can't possibly be really true.  This is all a horrible nightmare and I'll wake up soon and my husband will be here with me.  He can't possibly, really be gone. 

I'm not ready for it to all start sinking in and hitting me.  I was perfectly content with the way things were panning out; tears here and there as certain things reminded me of him. 

I don't know what tomorrow holds - but I hope that my brain will take it easy on me.