consider it joy

Two years ago I watched as my husband’s heart pounded out its last beats.

Two years ago I was being thrust onto a path that I did not ask for nor did I choose for myself.  

Two years ago God was working behind the scenes in my life in a way that I could have never imagined; writing a story that I never thought possible.

There will never be a day when those scenes from Kyle’s last days here on earth don’t replay in my head, especially around the time that it happened. It was traumatic and life-altering. His heart stopped beating - yet mine kept going.

However I’ve noticed that as I look back on my life two years ago, not only do I remember the crushing pain that came with being forced to say goodbye, but I can also see the hand of God surrounding me, holding me, and creating a way for me.

I was recently talking to a friend of mine about the goodness of God.  It gets so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of life’s disappointments that we fail to look at the overall picture to see where God has been and is at work.

It would be so easy for me to sit here and choose to be miserable at the fact that my husband isn't here.  It would be easy for me to choose to be angry that my children are without their dad.  It would be easy for me to choose to be bitter at those around me who have a partner to do life with, whose lives continued on even though my life felt at a standstill. And trust me, I have days where I struggle to fight off the temptation to get caught up in listing every thing that I wish I had.

But. When I find myself knee-deep in self-loathing I can always look to one fact to bring me back to a place of joy.

God has always been faithful to me! Always! 

I look back over the entirety of my thirty-seven years and I can see the different times where God absolutely carried me. I can see the times where God was working like a master stage-hand; gathering and planning things behind the curtain that I would need for the next scene without me even knowing.

But the past two years have been especially meaningful. 

If you'll recall, in the week after Kyle passed, I wrote about a letter I had received back in 1999 from my Grandma Esther. In this letter she had written to me about the loss of her own husband at a young age.  In her letter she wrote:

"I dearly loved him and thought I could never live without him. But God showed me otherwise. Because when he died, God was so close and protective and helped me in every way. It was a terrific experience to have God to depend on solely"

I remember reading these words after Kyle passed and being in awe of my grandma's faith. She was one of the most faithful, graceful women that I've known and I always aspired to be able to be just a fraction of the Christ-follower that she was. 


One of my friends actually made a wooden placard with my grandma's handwriting of that entire paragraph on it. It's hanging in my living room and I stop to read it often. 


As I stopped to read it this past week something occurred to me and it brought a smile to my face. 

Two years later and I realize that I could sit here today and write those exact words myself.

I stopped in my living room and marveled at the way God has encompassed me these past two years. Not only that, but I was filled with gratitude at how far He has brought me.

I dearly love(d) Kyle.  

And I really, honestly, and truly thought I could never live without him...

Satan would love for me to stop there. End of story. 


But, here's where the grace of God comes in.


I never thought I could live without him...but God has shown me otherwise. 


God has been so close and so protective.  Not only of me but of my children.  


God has been so helpful. So present. So near! 


And it has been an incredible experience to have God to depend on solely. 


The first year after Kyle passed my life felt like it was being flipped all kinds of ways. There were some high's and there were a lot of low's.


Within a nine month period: my husband died, I finished my undergraduate career, had a baby, three weeks after my baby was born, my toddler broke his femur and had to be in a half-body cast, I bought a home, moved myself & 4 children to a different state, and then my toddler fractured his ankle. This doesn't include all of the little pop-up things such as illness, kid's adjusting to their new normal, bills, and other mundane grown-up stuff.

It seemed like every time there was a little bit of peace in my life, I still couldn't quite relax because I was just waiting for the next ball to drop.


But then something amazing happened.


God caused me to slow down. 


Don't get me wrong, life was still life complete with mountaintops and valleys.  But God caused ME to realize that I had to slow down.

I started feeling like God was gently pulling on me.  He was trying to pull me back in to His arms.  I know I have written before about how I invited God into my grief journey, but I had stopped inviting Him into the rest of my journey. 


God helped me to take a step back and realize that I needed to re-center myself with Him. 


So, I vowed to spend 2017 working on myself, by myself, for myself. 

And what an amazing experience that has been!


I wanted to become the healthiest I've ever been emotionally, spiritually, physically, and mentally.  I put off my desire to apply to graduate school and decided to use 2017 as a year to take a proverbial deep breath and re-focus.


It's been during this time of introspection that I've been able to look back over my journey through widowhood thus far and see how God is woven throughout it.  And I also feel like God has given me tidbits into the future that awaits.


And it has brought me so much joy. 

I feel like in this past year God has not only restored all of my broken pieces but He has brought me to a better place than I have ever known before.  

I don't feel like I'm the same person that I was even two years ago.

I could have very well chosen to stay in a constant "woe is me" state of mind.  I could have chosen to walk around expecting everyone to feel sorry for me and take pity on me.  And I'm sure that people would have.  

But, at the end of the day, I have chosen to find the joy in my circumstances. 

I feel as if choosing to be angry, be upset, be miserable are all ways of not giving my  circumstances over to God.  And if I  don't give my  circumstances to God, then how can He work on them? I like having control over situations as much as the next person. I'm a mom; we're used to having control and being able to schedule and plan our our days.  That part just comes naturally.  But, there came a point where I realized that I couldn't have control AND have faith. God knows the end from the beginning.  He has insight that I certainly will never have.  He has known about my life and where it's going to go long before he ever formed me in my mother's womb.  So, I have to relinquish that control over to Him and trust fully that He will fulfill His promises to me. 

That's not to say that it's easy to just give it to God.  And there are some things in my life that I am having to daily pass back over to Him. But, I realized that whether I'm choosing joy or choosing misery - the time will still continue to pass.  Do I want to pass my time looking at everything that has gone wrong in my life?  Or do I want to pass my time being able to look at all the places in my life where God has made himself so abundantly clear?

I want for my life to bring God glory.  I want for this incredible story that He has written and is writing (valleys, mountain tops, and everything in between) to be used for His purpose.  I want to be able to look back on this part of my life in a few years with awe at how God was behind the scenes working even when I wasn't aware.  

It's so easy to praise God on the mountain tops.  But we are also supposed to praise in in the valley. 

In ALL things give thanks!

I have come to the end of 2017 feeling stronger in many ways.  I know God on a much deeper level.  I know myself more completely than I ever have before.  I feel more like a whole person on my own than what I ever imagined possible. 

And trust me, it hasn't necessarily been easy.  I have had many valley's along the way.

But, I know that God will bless my efforts and He will certainly continue to bless my journey.