I've been in Missouri for the past few days. I closed on our home this past Thursday and have been working like a chicken with her head cut off at our new house to get it ready to move in (with the amazing help of my dad, sister, and some incredible friends). What a beautiful blessing to have a new home that we can make completely ours. I will pause here, however, to say that re-doing kitchen cabinets is no joke and something that I don't ever plan to do again! Whew! I also joined a grief group at a local church in Missouri. It's a small group, and though we've only met once so far - I can tell you that I really feel as if it's going to be a time of transformation for me. I already feel a sense of camaraderie, a closeness, with these people. I am looking forward to it.
But I digress.
The last two blogs that I wrote were hard. They sucked. They sucked for me to write and maybe they sucked for you to read.
It was (obviously) hard to experience what I was experiencing - but it was also hard to feel what I was feeling while also trying to adequately explain what it was that I was going through. By far the roughest days I've had.
I keep up with this blog, first, for myself. It helps me to get things out. And writing is something I've always loved to do. I sometimes take pen to paper and journal that way - and then transcribe it here. I like to look back over my journey and be able to see where God is woven in and around it all. I also blog for those in my life who I don't get to speak to every day - and even those that I DO speak with every day. It's hard to put my emotions into words sometimes and some blogs can take hours to write - others I just sit and let my fingers try to keep up with what my brain is spitting out. But I want to give insight into my side of my grief journey and for you to also see God at work in my life. I also keep this blog in the hopes that somewhere, some time, someone may read it and it may be of help. I have read so many different blogs of fellow widows - and they have helped me immensely to realize that everything I'm experiencing is normal. So, I'm as transparent as I can be in hopes that if there is someone who is having a really rough time - maybe they won't feel so alone. So there you have it - my hope is that this blog will honestly show you grief; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Grief changes a person - there is no doubt about that - but it's up to me how I let those changes shape my future.
All of that to say that I am in the final stages of packing our home. However, this trip here has been so much different than the last. I have had my music up, dancing around the house (trust me - it's less like dancing and more like Napoleon Dynamite meets a drunken llama), and a feeling of peace. That sweet, sweet peace that passes all understanding. It's such a commonly repeated phrase "peace that passes all understanding" - but when you experience it first hand, it becomes so much more!
I ran across more of Kyle's things today - but instead of holding on to them and breaking down into a heap of tears - I was smiling at the memories attached. I found myself actually chuckling out loud at some things.
One year ago today (thanks Timehop) Kyle and I walked over to the Bluegrass and Chili festival. Our house is right next to the open air arena that the festival is held at. Most nights we could sit on our front porch and hear it. It was a rare night out without our kids. We took our lawn chairs, sat, and listened to the music. We had a great time! There was a group there from my hometown of Branson, Missouri called the Cleverly's. Please do yourself a favor and google them. I remember Kyle's laugh like it was yesterday. Most of the time he'd make a fist and kind of hold it up in front of his mouth and lean forward, shoulders up, when he was really getting a good chuckle. That night - I remember it so vividly. We just had a care free time. The Bluegrass and Chili festival was this past weekend. I, unfortunately, had to miss it this year - but these memories have really hung with me the past few days. But, not in a sad, somber way. I have had these memories in a very thankful "man, we really had great times!" kind of way.
This is what I mean by God giving us a lifetime of memories in the short time we had together. It's so easy to get caught up in the bitter reality of him being gone (and it's perfectly okay to "go there!) - but I have to go back to the very words that flew from my mouth at his memorial service - he would want for us to go on adventures, to make new memories, to LIVE! Kyle would want for me to find reasons to smile. He would expect for me to laugh again. Would he understand the waves of grief that pop up and knock the wind out of me? Ab-so-lutely! However, he would expect that I wouldn't pack up and live in that cloud of grief either.
While I'm almost certain that the next wave of grief is on its way to find me - I am most certainly welcoming times like these where I can smile and laugh at the memories we had more than I cry at the memories that never were.
I honest to goodness feel ready to turn this page; not turning the page on Kyle - but turning the page on our time in Oklahoma.
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