Back in January, before the older two kids went back to school after Christmas break, I met with their school principal, counselors, and teachers all at one time to discuss what had happened. I remember that the principal told me that she couldn't believe what happened - especially since I seemed so "together" when I had called to request the meeting. I think that at that time I was in complete and utter shock. It's like my brain knew - obviously - I was there when he passed. I saw it happen. I knew he was gone. There were no "what if's" left. But my mind and my heart hadn't been convinced. So I think for the first few months after he was gone - I just walked around in a giant daze. In that same meeting with the school personnel I remember one of the counselors telling me "don't be surprised if in a few months it all hits you like a ton of bricks".
So I would just walk around...waiting for it to happen.
And then there were times when I would have little "aftershocks" and would wonder if this is what the school counselor meant.
I remember discussing with my mom on more than one occasion that I worried about myself because I didn't feel like I was grieving in a way that was "normal". I felt really sad at times. But I was worried that I wasn't breaking down and that I was somehow suppressing something that would come back up years down the road - and I didn't want that to happen.
But then the past 3 days happened.
I went to lunch with one of my best friends yesterday. After the night I had with going through Kyle's clothes (especially his socks) I knew that I had to get out of our house for a little bit. Lunch was a breath of fresh air - talking about kids and life over our good old faithful Chicken Tikka Masala. And then I brought it up. The packing of our house. I cried.
Then after I got in my vehicle to leave - I cried some more.
I went to one of my favorite stores to try to get my mind off of it - and felt so claustrophobic and like I was in some nightmare that I wanted to run away from. I kept having memory after memory of Kyle hit my brain one after another like the poor kid in a snowball fight whom everyone is throwing their snowballs at - and I couldn't escape it. It was very real. I got my car and cried again. I couldn't get away from it - no matter where I went, no matter what I did. I was trapped in my own thoughts and I couldn't stop it.
What in the flip was wrong with me??!
Not a dang thing!!
Here it was - here are those proverbial bricks by the ton.
I can't be in our house without having a giant knot in my stomach. I can't pack more than a few things without memories flooding my brain and the tears flowing. But what I'm discovering is that this is all a part of the process. My sister-in-law posted something lately about in order to heal - you have to feel. And it is so, so true.
On the way home from lunch that day I was literally sobbing out to God. I felt like I was drowning in this giant wave of grief that had found me. I couldn't shake it. I texted my precious mother-in-law to see if I could come to her house for a bit. Partly just to hold my baby boys and partly because Kyle's family are my connection to Kyle and I NEEDED to just be in their presence for a little while. And I know that even though our grief journey's are all a little different from each other - they get it. I can not tell you how much it helped just walking into her house. I could finally breathe a little.
I was able to pack a little more last night - but made sure to avoid any of Kyle's things.
It's been much the same today with packing. I'll pack a little and then get out of the house for a break. I also got to visit with Kyle's grandparents and aunt today. Oh-so-needed!
When I had lunch with Kristin yesterday I told her that when I first started packing a few weeks ago it wasn't that bad - it was pretty exciting. But that was all stuff that was on the surface that we use all the time: towels, dishes, DVD's, kids stuff, etc. But now we're down to the stuff that hasn't been touched since he's been gone. I think this is where it's gotten so hard - I can remember the last time that certain video games were played were when he was here and we were having a family game night, or the last time his T.A.R.D.I.S. USB port was used was when he was here to use it and now I'm unplugging it to pack it away. I've put on each of his coat's and jackets - and soaked it in like his arms were around me again. And then - his still unopened Christmas presents. With every thing there is a memory attached.
Some things I just toss in a box before my brain has any chance to stop and think about it. Other things I just sit on the ground with them in my hands, close my eyes, and allow my brain to take all the time it needs. I cry as much as I need to cry. I sob to God as much as I need to sob. I allow myself feel all the pain and heartache I need to instead of fighting against it.
Life has been SO hectic since Kyle passed away. I rarely don't have at least one kid with me at all times. If I don't have any kids then I'm cleaning or doing laundry or something mundane like that. Then let's throw in finishing school, graduating, having a baby, having a toddler break his leg and be in a cast for 6 weeks (yes that actually happened - which is why there was a big gap in blogging), buying a house and moving and all that that entails. I have not allowed myself to simply just sit in the sorrow for a little while. And the past couple of days I have been forced to do just that. No distractions to hold my attention away from the memories. And it's uncomfortable, and it makes my entire body ache with an indescribable pain. I have cried more in the past few days than I probably have in the past 8 months combined. I want nothing more than to run away from it - yet at the same time I want to feel every last bit of it. This is where my heart begins to start putting itself back together - or at least as together as it can be.
The packing won't get finished this trip like I had planned - and I'll need to come back sooner than expected to try to finish. But, that's life - and that's okay. I know that this will only get harder in the coming week with the loading of the U-haul and the finality of locking these doors and leaving this house for the final time. But I am so grateful that the memories will be going with me.
But then the past 3 days happened.
I went to lunch with one of my best friends yesterday. After the night I had with going through Kyle's clothes (especially his socks) I knew that I had to get out of our house for a little bit. Lunch was a breath of fresh air - talking about kids and life over our good old faithful Chicken Tikka Masala. And then I brought it up. The packing of our house. I cried.
Then after I got in my vehicle to leave - I cried some more.
I went to one of my favorite stores to try to get my mind off of it - and felt so claustrophobic and like I was in some nightmare that I wanted to run away from. I kept having memory after memory of Kyle hit my brain one after another like the poor kid in a snowball fight whom everyone is throwing their snowballs at - and I couldn't escape it. It was very real. I got my car and cried again. I couldn't get away from it - no matter where I went, no matter what I did. I was trapped in my own thoughts and I couldn't stop it.
What in the flip was wrong with me??!
Not a dang thing!!
Here it was - here are those proverbial bricks by the ton.
I can't be in our house without having a giant knot in my stomach. I can't pack more than a few things without memories flooding my brain and the tears flowing. But what I'm discovering is that this is all a part of the process. My sister-in-law posted something lately about in order to heal - you have to feel. And it is so, so true.
On the way home from lunch that day I was literally sobbing out to God. I felt like I was drowning in this giant wave of grief that had found me. I couldn't shake it. I texted my precious mother-in-law to see if I could come to her house for a bit. Partly just to hold my baby boys and partly because Kyle's family are my connection to Kyle and I NEEDED to just be in their presence for a little while. And I know that even though our grief journey's are all a little different from each other - they get it. I can not tell you how much it helped just walking into her house. I could finally breathe a little.
I was able to pack a little more last night - but made sure to avoid any of Kyle's things.
It's been much the same today with packing. I'll pack a little and then get out of the house for a break. I also got to visit with Kyle's grandparents and aunt today. Oh-so-needed!
When I had lunch with Kristin yesterday I told her that when I first started packing a few weeks ago it wasn't that bad - it was pretty exciting. But that was all stuff that was on the surface that we use all the time: towels, dishes, DVD's, kids stuff, etc. But now we're down to the stuff that hasn't been touched since he's been gone. I think this is where it's gotten so hard - I can remember the last time that certain video games were played were when he was here and we were having a family game night, or the last time his T.A.R.D.I.S. USB port was used was when he was here to use it and now I'm unplugging it to pack it away. I've put on each of his coat's and jackets - and soaked it in like his arms were around me again. And then - his still unopened Christmas presents. With every thing there is a memory attached.
Some things I just toss in a box before my brain has any chance to stop and think about it. Other things I just sit on the ground with them in my hands, close my eyes, and allow my brain to take all the time it needs. I cry as much as I need to cry. I sob to God as much as I need to sob. I allow myself feel all the pain and heartache I need to instead of fighting against it.
Life has been SO hectic since Kyle passed away. I rarely don't have at least one kid with me at all times. If I don't have any kids then I'm cleaning or doing laundry or something mundane like that. Then let's throw in finishing school, graduating, having a baby, having a toddler break his leg and be in a cast for 6 weeks (yes that actually happened - which is why there was a big gap in blogging), buying a house and moving and all that that entails. I have not allowed myself to simply just sit in the sorrow for a little while. And the past couple of days I have been forced to do just that. No distractions to hold my attention away from the memories. And it's uncomfortable, and it makes my entire body ache with an indescribable pain. I have cried more in the past few days than I probably have in the past 8 months combined. I want nothing more than to run away from it - yet at the same time I want to feel every last bit of it. This is where my heart begins to start putting itself back together - or at least as together as it can be.
The packing won't get finished this trip like I had planned - and I'll need to come back sooner than expected to try to finish. But, that's life - and that's okay. I know that this will only get harder in the coming week with the loading of the U-haul and the finality of locking these doors and leaving this house for the final time. But I am so grateful that the memories will be going with me.
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