dear kyle

My Kyle,

I can't help but think that you had something to do with the arrival date of our little anniversary present.

William "Liam" Kyle
5/20/2016 / 2:10AM
7lb. 9oz.
20" long

You would have been floored, yet possibly proud, of my sailor's mouth when he came so quick that I wasn't able to get an epidural (my OB didn't make it in time so the anesthesiologist made the catch!).

Kyle - he is beautiful, and so sweet, and alert, and I can't help but see you when I look at him.

Happy anniversary my love! We did good!

closing chapters

Last week I presented my Capstone project. Capstone is basically the culmination of a my undergraduate career.  Essentially it's a giant research project in which I chose a topic (in my case it's in the human service field), research it, and gather participants to survey in an effort to prove my hypothesis.  Then I run statistical analysis on my findings, build a big presentation around my findings, and then present it for judging.  At my Capstone presentation each presenter had 3 judges.  Judges were free to ask whatever questions that they deemed necessary and it was my job to answer their questions to show that I knew my topic front and back.  It's a lot of work - but it's also the last hurdle before graduation.

I remember shortly before Kyle passed away (I'm talking merely a couple of weeks) we sat in bed one night for nearly 2 hours just talking about my Capstone project.  I was stuck between two topics that I felt equally as strong about.  However, he was leaning more towards one than the other.  He was so invested in it and he seemed really, genuinely interested and intrigued by it.  We had one of the best conversations that night just going over every possible scenario and theory for this research. I remember his eyes lit up while he was talking to me about it. (For those curious, since I was stuck between topics, I went with the one he and I had spent so much time talking about: researching Internet search habits and health anxiety levels)

You see, my major is in Community Counseling and my minor in Psychology.  I am very well-aware that there are many people who don't really take that field seriously, and think that it's more or less a waste of time. That in itself is something I've had to work through; I don't want for people to think that my degree is any less important than, say, someone who is majoring in business or education. This field is something that I have felt strongly about for as long as I can remember.  I have had friends and family diagnosed with mental illnesses.  I, myself, struggled with undiagnosed postpartum depression after the birth of my second baby which led to a battle with anxiety. I'm also an advocate for ending the stigma that surrounds mental illness and hope to be able to have a platform in which to try to make a difference in that area.

But, that night when we sat there and just talked about this project - that has stayed with me and became one of the driving forces in me deciding to continue with school this semester and push forward with my Capstone research.  I can not begin to explain what it felt like to have him so engaged in something that meant so much to me.  I can't really put it into words.  So, often over the past 3 months (since this semester began) I've had flashbacks to that conversation; seeing the excitement in his eyes to see me so excited talking about it.  And when I presented my project to the judges last week - I saw his face in my head.  That same excited face. Even though Psychology may not have been something that he was hugely into - I know that just seeing me complete my project and to be able to defend it to the judges - he would have been absolutely over-the-moon proud.  That's just who he was - he loved seeing those around him succeed and be happy.  It made him genuinely happy.

He was my biggest cheerleader with, well, everything!  But especially with my education.  In 6 days I will be walking across a stage to accept my Bachelor of Science degree...and my biggest cheerleader won't be there to see it.

He encouraged me to go back to school after my separation/divorce.  When I graduated with my Associates degree in 2012, he was the only person who was able to come to my ceremony (he drove 3 hours to take me to dinner and see my graduation and drove 3 more hours back home afterwards).  At the time of my Associates graduation we were engaged  - and to be married only a couple of days later! Once we were married and I moved to Oklahoma and started in on my Bachelor's degree, it seemed as if I would have issues every single semester with various administrative departments here, he was the one who would keep me calm.  He'd listen to me vent about group projects, shared in my excitement with my first internship opportunity, listened to me promise to never procrastinate on another project ever - only to turn around and start a speech or a big paper a mere days before it was due. Every time I took a test, I'd come home and he'd say "how do you think you did?".  I'd typically say something like "eh, I'm not feeling so confident" and he'd always have this smirk on his face and say "you said that last time and you got an A, I'm betting you did great!" and if it ended up that I got a good grade, there'd come that smirk again and he'd get so much pleasure in saying "see? I told you so!".  He made sure he was at my Psi Chi induction even though he hadn't been feeling well. He'd hang out with the kids so I could go to the library to study.  He'd put kids to bed without me even asking when he knew I had deadlines coming up. I absolutely could not have completed my degree, accomplished this dream, had it not been for him and his endless support. And so like so many other occasions that we've already been forced to go through without him, it is so bittersweet.

I am so excited to graduate - but there will absolutely be a huge void in that day.

And only two days after I graduate, I am due with our fourth baby.  I'm not going to lie, I'm worried.  I'm worried about how it's going to feel to deliver our baby without him there.

I am so grateful that Kyle knew we were having a baby, he knew it was a boy, and we had already decided his name.  Kyle had already been talking to my belly for a few weeks before he passed away - even though he never got to feel the baby move.  In fact the first time that I felt baby move with my hand on the outside of my belly was the day before Kyle passed away.  He was in the ICU and sedated - so he was never able to feel him. I'm not sure if it happened this way on purpose or not.  I like to think that as Kyle was leaving this earth - part of his spirit was living on his baby that I'm carrying.  Ever since then - whenever I feel this baby move - I'm reminded that I have this piece of Kyle in me.  It has brought me so much comfort.  When we had Kyle's memorial service, I felt as if I wanted to get up to speak.  But I wasn't sure if I would be able to.  I spoke to the pastor beforehand.  He said when he got up to pray, if I felt as if I was able to speak I could come up during prayer.  If he finished with prayer and I wasn't up there, he would then assume that I had decided to not speak. When the pastor started the opening prayer, this baby within me started rolling and kicking like never before.  I felt like it was Kyle's way of putting his arms around me and encouraging me to go speak. And so I did.

And so, my mind has often wondered what it will be like when I deliver our baby - and I no longer feel this movement within me.  Yes, I will have our baby here to hold and love on.  But, there is an indescribable bond that happens when a mother feels her unborn child within her - and I'm so anxious about not having him in my womb anymore; not feeling this connection with Kyle anymore.

I am about to close two chapters in my life; two chapters that Kyle was so intertwined with.  There is definitely going to be a period of adjustment after this next week is over.

But, then I see his sweet face in my head, that smirk of his, and hear him saying "you said that last time, then you passed with flying colors. So I'm betting you're going to do great!"

alone

I am alone.

Not in the sense that I have the absence of people in my life - there have been so many amazing friends and family who have come to help me with the kids, let me vent, kept me occupied, checked in on me.

But I am alone in the sense that no one in my life has ever lost a spouse at a young age.  In fact, of my immediate family and friends, the youngest to lose a spouse is my grandpa Rust who lost his bride, my grandma Esther, last year.  The very grandma Esther who had lost her first husband, as a young lady with 2 small children at home and one on the way (my dad).  Our stories were so similar - and there have been so many times that I wish I could just pick up the phone call her and talk to her, because I know she'd get it, but she passed away only 4 months before my husband did.

So.  I am alone.

I lost my husband, my best friend. Our kids lost their dad. His mother lost her son.  His brother and sisters lost their brother. So while we all share in the fact that we have lost this beautiful human being from our lives - we are all alone in that we each have no way of knowing what the other is walking through.  So instead of saying we're all in the same boat - I think it's safer to say that we all survived the same sinking ship, but we're all in different life boats. 

I have realized that I have shut myself off from people.  And I think a lot of it has to do with knowing that no one could possibly relate to what I'm going through and so I'd rather just save them from the awkward parts in the conversation where they would typically say "I get it" or "I understand".  Because no, no they don't.  And I hope that they never do.

I picked up a book called "Confessions of a Mediocre Widow". With being so busy with wrapping up school, and pregnancy, and kids...I haven't finished it yet, but now that I'm practically finished with school I plan on picking it up again.  But, when I first started reading it - I found myself nodding in agreement as I read.  The lady who wrote it lost her husband unexpectedly when he was, I believe, 34.  They had 3 small kids at home.  And every scenario she goes over has resonated hugely with me.  If you ever want to get some kind of idea as to what thoughts have gone through my head (in hearing my husband wasn't going to live, in leaving the hospital without him, in planning a funeral I never wanted to plan, in telling the kids, etc) buy the book! It's not all sad and somber - there is definitely humor in it - but it's most certainly spot on as far as my situation is concerned (a few excerpts):

pipes

I had a great conversation this past week with a fellow student from my college.  We spoke about life in general - the changes that come; some we choose for ourselves, some are chosen for us.  She said that her pastor once told them something along the lines of "you will never know the strength of a pipe until you apply pressure to it - only then will it's flaws and issues be revealed so that they can be sealed and fixed".  This struck me in a huge way! And unbeknownst to her, it was something that I needed to hear.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough for me and for our kids.

I knew it was coming.  We were told that results of the autopsy that the Doctor ordered would take 3-4 months to get to us.  So as the 3 month mark was approaching, I would check the mailbox with more and more caution.  I knew it was close when I got a call from the funeral home that they had his final death certificate for me to pick up.  I decided against picking it up until I had gotten the final autopsy report. I got home that day and opened the mail box.  All I saw was a thick envelope, but my heart sank because I immediately knew what it was.  I pulled it out of the mailbox and I sat there in my van in front of my house and just stared at the writing on the front.

"Office of the chief medical examiner".

Those words struck some kind of nerve and I had a good, long cry sitting there in the middle of the road. Even not knowing what was on the inside, it was just yet another reminder that he was gone and never coming back.

We wanted answers and we knew that there was a good chance that the report would contain some kind of answers.  But at the same time - this is one of those steps in this process that makes his being gone so final.

I had already decided long ago that I wouldn't open these results by myself - I wanted his family to be there too.  So his mom, sisters, and I made plans for that evening when we could all get together.

I'll pause here to say that I already knew that the idea of making some public announcement about what his report contained was something that I, quite honestly, never felt comfortable with. Kyle was a pretty private guy and I know that he wouldn't want some broadcast made.  So - I will not be making any kind of public announcements regarding his report.  Those who need to know, know.  I know it's that whole vague "I have news, but I'm not sharing the news" kind of posts - but this is also my little place for keeping my thoughts so it is what it is.

I will say that as we sat around and read the 10 or so pages included in the report - it felt really anticlimactic.  I believe that for all of us there are more questions than there are answers. I'm thankful that the cause wasn't "unknown" - but at the same time I think we feel like there are missing pieces.

It was and is a hard pill to swallow that we may never actually really know or have a timeline of the chain of events of his passing.  Yet again one of those areas that I have to fully trust God.

I do, however, believe that in all of this, like that pipe, God is putting pressure on me - He's revealing my flaws, my weaknesses, and He's using these times to ultimately strengthen me for His purpose.  But, I'm not going to lie - it sucks in the mean time.

I've started the process of packing away some of his things that were in our room.  Mainly they are things that will have to be moved in order to make room for baby.  But I ran across his cologne bottles.  I know it's something I've mentioned in a few posts - about how I've avoided opening them because I knew what it would do to me.  But, this time I did it.  I opened the lid. I closed my eyes. I took in a deep breath of his scent.  In a single instant there was a flood of so many memories in my head that were all attached to that smell. I was quickly overwhelmed; as I knew I would be. But oh how I have missed that smell.  It was difficult, but at the same time it was so worth it.

(As a side note - I have begun work on a new project.  It's something that I knew I wanted to do since he very first left us.  The only way that I ever got to know what it is that I do know about my grandpa (my dad's dad who passed away before my dad was born) was to ask my grandma or my aunts questions - and lots of them.  I WANT for our kids and even our future grandkids to ask questions about him - I want for them to feel like they know him.  So - I've decided to put together a book.  An actual, factual, hard bound, printed book all about him.  This book will contain facts about Kyle, pictures, memories (from me, our kids, his family, his friends, people he knew in his youth, pastors, etc) and anything else that I can think of.  I'm trying to think in terms of if I had this resource available to me about my own grandpa, what would I love to have in it.  I plan on gathering everything I can and then using my self-imposed maternity leave to piece it all together and then have copies printed at least for our 4 children.  He was young - but he was such an amazing and incredible human that he deserves to have a legacy passed down to his kids.  Plus, I believe that it will help the kids (especially Charlie and Liam) to feel a connection to their dad since Charlie was so young when he passed, and Liam will have never gotten to actually meet him.  So - I am putting that out here now.  I will be making a public call on social media about it, but if you are reading this and have ANY memories that stick out to you about Kyle; anything he said that was funny or encouraging, or wise, or any stories or memories you'd love to share, and photos that you have (even if it seems insignificant or unimportant, I guarantee it's all a part of what made Kyle who he was and something that myself and his kids and family will treasure) - I have set up an email address specifically for this purpose.  It's MakkMemories@gmail.com You don't have to save up every story for just ONE email - if something pops in your head - feel free to make a note and send an email.  I do ask that if you are sharing stories or photos - please include a year or a date of some kind within the email so that I can try to make it close to chronological and also how you know Kyle (be it from youth group, work, gaming, etc)

empty

The past couple of weeks I've really noticed this overwhelming emptiness setting in.  Not that I'm sad per se and not that I'm lonely - just that I feel empty.  I've noticed that the waves of Kyle's death that have been hitting me have hit a lot deeper and a lot harder in recent days than they had been.  Instead of just missing having him here - I've noticed that there is an ache deep in my bones that he isn't here.  It's a deep, deep sense of sorrow in the pit of my soul that I've not felt before.  It's both welcomed and also scary all at the same time.  THIS is what I thought grief would feel like. THIS is what I've been cautiously waiting on to arrive. The finality of his death is just beginning to sink in and the numbness of him being gone is starting to thaw.

I welcome it because for so long I was so afraid I was repressing stuff that would come back later. I was worried that I wasn't grieving right (though as discussed, I've realized there is no "right" way to grieve). And having it arrive means that it's here for me to be able to eventually work through. I'm not in a hurry for it to leave. I want to feel it. I need to feel it. I don't want it to completely consume me until I find myself in a black hole I can't get out of, but I need to walk through this as a part of my own healing process. 

I find that I've avoided thinking about the future without him.  I've kept my blinders on and only been taking care of the here and now.  I think that staying busy with everything has kept my mind occupied from allowing myself to "go there".  I've done a lot of compartmentalizing with the various aspects of life so that whatever needs my attention at the time gets my attention and everything else has to wait its turn.   I haven't set out to make myself sad either.  I've steered clear of opening his cologne or going through his things (other than his shirts - which we are working on really special keep sake items for our kids and family).  But he still finds his way to me when I need him most.

Our daughter has been having a particularly rough time.  On one of her lowest days, I was feeling like I was at a complete loss about what to do or what to say to her - all I could do was cry.  I was brokenhearted for her, especially in being so young and going through so much that not even most adults would know how to handle.  I was also feeling anger on her behalf that she was having to go through this.  I was scared that I wouldn't be able to help her and worried about her future and how it will affect her.  I logged on to facebook that evening and looked on my "on this day" page and this is what I saw:

A reminder from him.  It felt like he had reached down and wrapped his arms around me and told me that it was going to be okay.  It was just what I needed.  I absolutely cherish these reminders that pop up unexpectedly, yet at the most needed times.

The time is quickly approaching that I'm going to have to start going through some of his things.  Our baby is due in 9 weeks time and I'll need to work on making some space for baby's things.  I'm trying to mentally prepare myself - yet at the same time I know that there are such amazing memories attached to some of the things I'll run across that it'll, no doubt, be good therapy.

I'm trying to stay away from imagining what going through labor and delivery will be like without him by my side. I know that feeling our baby twist and turn and kick inside of me has been an amazing way of constantly feeling Kyle with me - and I'm scared to not have that reminder any more. 

Still a long road ahead of us all.

As for other aspects of life. Well, baby #4 is due in 9 weeks, I graduate from college in 8.5 weeks, I am in the middle of my senior capstone project (my presentation for which is in about 7 weeks).  Then starts job searching.  Along with that comes decisions about whether or not to relocate.  I've decided to put off graduate school for a year while we all adjust to having a new baby and me going back to work full time.  Life is hectic. But at the same time - we are so blessed.  My attorney was asking me about everything yesterday and she said "I just don't even know how you're doing it all".  My reply was simple - it's all God, prayers, and my support system.  There may be times that I feel empty, but I know that I am not alone.

draw closer

It is no surprise that the past (nearly) nine weeks have been quite the roller coaster for my entire family.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am an adult - I've had 36 years and many life lessons in order to learn how to cope and what works for me when I'm feeling certain emotions.  Not that I've perfected it by any stretch of the imagination, but I like to think that I have a fairly good grasp.  Our kids on the other hand have not had that luxury.  They have been thrust into waters that no kid should ever have to go in to - on top of having ongoing issues with their biological father - and I'm amazed by THEIR strength. But, they have had various sudden changes in their attitudes on top of the break down's that happen.  I absolutely hate it for them.  As their mom I want to just fix it immediately for them.  But, I also realize that everything that they're experiencing right now is shaping them into the young adults they will become.  So my job is to help to guide them through it.  And for that, I need God.

The past few days have been eye-opening to me.  I have been reflecting upon the last 9 weeks; the ups, the downs, the breakdowns, the tears, the laughter...and something that I have noticed is that I haven't been pushing into God the way that I want need to. 

When Kyle got his promotion, my faith wasn't shaken.  I have zero doubt that my faith is still in tact.  I had (and have) absolute trust in God that He knows what He's doing in all of this.  But, I also haven't been spending time talking to God like I need to or studying His word like I need to.  And it's really hit me this past week that I'm just kind of coasting along through this season in my life without inviting God to come in and have complete control. And I just keep feeling like God is speaking to me; telling me to draw closer to Him.  Not only that, but I want for my kids to remember my faith throughout this time.  When they are older and they look back on this time - I want them to remember the way that God provided, the way that God worked through this entire situation. 

I've heard it said that if there are 100 steps between you and God, He will take 99 of those - but you have to be the one to take the last step towards Him.  And that's what I'm doing.

...not as we

Life has been so hectic lately - which I think can sometimes be a good thing since it also means my brain is occupied.


I love music.  I feel that there are many times that a song or a lyric can speak more to what I'm feeling than my own brain can find words for.  The past few days I have had this song in my brain. I don't remember when I first heard it - but it's been years ago now.  Only now it's really fitting and hits me harder than it did when I first heard it.


I


Our oldest son had his 11th birthday this past weekend.  This was my first time in a long time flying solo on birthday parties. Kyle was the part decorator guy - he would turn our entire house into Minecraft worlds or Frozen themes.  He got such a huge kick out of the challenge of seeing what all he could come up with - and he never disappointed! I, however, am not that creative.  So, I gave Jacob options and he chose to have his birthday at the bowling alley and then just invited his two best pals to spend the night that night.  It worked out well.  The kids had fun. Jake was a little occupied by his thoughts the next day, though, and talked about how much he missed Kyle being at his birthday.  Jake got a pretty good amount of birthday money to spend so I let him choose the store to go and spend some of it.  Last night, we headed out to Toys 'R Us.  He was looking at lego sets and kept asking me which one I thought Kyle would have thought was the coolest since he wasn't there to help Jake choose.  I am clueless when it comes to lego.  So he did the good old "eenie meenie miney moe" trick. Then in another part of the store he found something NOT lego related - a remote controlled AT-AT from Star Wars.  His eyes lit up and he just KNEW that Kyle would have been majorly stoked about it, too.

And then we walked out of the store.  All 3 of us pretty well stopped in our tracks.  It was the most breathtaking sunset.  And both kids nearly simultaneously said "look mom! Kyle painted us a sunset".  I got chills.  There are no iPhone photos that could come close to doing it justice - but I certainly tried to capture it so I could keep it...the fun part is that we came out of the store at the OPPORTUNE time to see it.  By the time we got situated in the car to leave - it didn't look anywhere lose to how it had.

I started my internship today.  Kyle would have been so excited (and proud) to hear about my first day.  I can just see his face lighting up; not necessarily because it is an internship that is "up his alley" but because he would have been genuinely excited to see me so excited.  I even have an official looking badge with my photo on it that I have to wear.  That would have thrilled him.  The whole thing would have thrilled him to know that I'm interning at a place where they work with the populations of people that interest me the most.

On the way home last night, Jacob was really solemn.  He talked about missing Kyle and how he hated that Kyle hadn't been there for his birthday or to go shopping with him.  Then he said that he felt really guilty because he was beginning to feel like he was getting used to Kyle not being here.  I could tell he genuinely felt bad.  But I had to explain to him that when Kyle got his promotion all I knew to pray about is that we would know how to navigate this new normal - and that what we are living now, without Kyle IS our new normal.  That getting used to him being gone doesn't mean we don't miss him and that we wouldn't trade anything to have him back with us.  It doesn't mean we don't still love him and it certainly doesn't mean that we are forgetting him or that he isn't a part of our lives - it only means that we are coming into our "new normal". 

It has been  5 weeks now - and it still doesn't feel real.

One thing that especially gets to me is seeing friends' posts of their husbands with their kids - doing anything! Fishing, rough-housing, cuddling...anything.  I realize that our two youngest will never get that experience with their dad.  I don't even think I can quite wrap my brain around that.