closing chapters

Last week I presented my Capstone project. Capstone is basically the culmination of a my undergraduate career.  Essentially it's a giant research project in which I chose a topic (in my case it's in the human service field), research it, and gather participants to survey in an effort to prove my hypothesis.  Then I run statistical analysis on my findings, build a big presentation around my findings, and then present it for judging.  At my Capstone presentation each presenter had 3 judges.  Judges were free to ask whatever questions that they deemed necessary and it was my job to answer their questions to show that I knew my topic front and back.  It's a lot of work - but it's also the last hurdle before graduation.

I remember shortly before Kyle passed away (I'm talking merely a couple of weeks) we sat in bed one night for nearly 2 hours just talking about my Capstone project.  I was stuck between two topics that I felt equally as strong about.  However, he was leaning more towards one than the other.  He was so invested in it and he seemed really, genuinely interested and intrigued by it.  We had one of the best conversations that night just going over every possible scenario and theory for this research. I remember his eyes lit up while he was talking to me about it. (For those curious, since I was stuck between topics, I went with the one he and I had spent so much time talking about: researching Internet search habits and health anxiety levels)

You see, my major is in Community Counseling and my minor in Psychology.  I am very well-aware that there are many people who don't really take that field seriously, and think that it's more or less a waste of time. That in itself is something I've had to work through; I don't want for people to think that my degree is any less important than, say, someone who is majoring in business or education. This field is something that I have felt strongly about for as long as I can remember.  I have had friends and family diagnosed with mental illnesses.  I, myself, struggled with undiagnosed postpartum depression after the birth of my second baby which led to a battle with anxiety. I'm also an advocate for ending the stigma that surrounds mental illness and hope to be able to have a platform in which to try to make a difference in that area.

But, that night when we sat there and just talked about this project - that has stayed with me and became one of the driving forces in me deciding to continue with school this semester and push forward with my Capstone research.  I can not begin to explain what it felt like to have him so engaged in something that meant so much to me.  I can't really put it into words.  So, often over the past 3 months (since this semester began) I've had flashbacks to that conversation; seeing the excitement in his eyes to see me so excited talking about it.  And when I presented my project to the judges last week - I saw his face in my head.  That same excited face. Even though Psychology may not have been something that he was hugely into - I know that just seeing me complete my project and to be able to defend it to the judges - he would have been absolutely over-the-moon proud.  That's just who he was - he loved seeing those around him succeed and be happy.  It made him genuinely happy.

He was my biggest cheerleader with, well, everything!  But especially with my education.  In 6 days I will be walking across a stage to accept my Bachelor of Science degree...and my biggest cheerleader won't be there to see it.

He encouraged me to go back to school after my separation/divorce.  When I graduated with my Associates degree in 2012, he was the only person who was able to come to my ceremony (he drove 3 hours to take me to dinner and see my graduation and drove 3 more hours back home afterwards).  At the time of my Associates graduation we were engaged  - and to be married only a couple of days later! Once we were married and I moved to Oklahoma and started in on my Bachelor's degree, it seemed as if I would have issues every single semester with various administrative departments here, he was the one who would keep me calm.  He'd listen to me vent about group projects, shared in my excitement with my first internship opportunity, listened to me promise to never procrastinate on another project ever - only to turn around and start a speech or a big paper a mere days before it was due. Every time I took a test, I'd come home and he'd say "how do you think you did?".  I'd typically say something like "eh, I'm not feeling so confident" and he'd always have this smirk on his face and say "you said that last time and you got an A, I'm betting you did great!" and if it ended up that I got a good grade, there'd come that smirk again and he'd get so much pleasure in saying "see? I told you so!".  He made sure he was at my Psi Chi induction even though he hadn't been feeling well. He'd hang out with the kids so I could go to the library to study.  He'd put kids to bed without me even asking when he knew I had deadlines coming up. I absolutely could not have completed my degree, accomplished this dream, had it not been for him and his endless support. And so like so many other occasions that we've already been forced to go through without him, it is so bittersweet.

I am so excited to graduate - but there will absolutely be a huge void in that day.

And only two days after I graduate, I am due with our fourth baby.  I'm not going to lie, I'm worried.  I'm worried about how it's going to feel to deliver our baby without him there.

I am so grateful that Kyle knew we were having a baby, he knew it was a boy, and we had already decided his name.  Kyle had already been talking to my belly for a few weeks before he passed away - even though he never got to feel the baby move.  In fact the first time that I felt baby move with my hand on the outside of my belly was the day before Kyle passed away.  He was in the ICU and sedated - so he was never able to feel him. I'm not sure if it happened this way on purpose or not.  I like to think that as Kyle was leaving this earth - part of his spirit was living on his baby that I'm carrying.  Ever since then - whenever I feel this baby move - I'm reminded that I have this piece of Kyle in me.  It has brought me so much comfort.  When we had Kyle's memorial service, I felt as if I wanted to get up to speak.  But I wasn't sure if I would be able to.  I spoke to the pastor beforehand.  He said when he got up to pray, if I felt as if I was able to speak I could come up during prayer.  If he finished with prayer and I wasn't up there, he would then assume that I had decided to not speak. When the pastor started the opening prayer, this baby within me started rolling and kicking like never before.  I felt like it was Kyle's way of putting his arms around me and encouraging me to go speak. And so I did.

And so, my mind has often wondered what it will be like when I deliver our baby - and I no longer feel this movement within me.  Yes, I will have our baby here to hold and love on.  But, there is an indescribable bond that happens when a mother feels her unborn child within her - and I'm so anxious about not having him in my womb anymore; not feeling this connection with Kyle anymore.

I am about to close two chapters in my life; two chapters that Kyle was so intertwined with.  There is definitely going to be a period of adjustment after this next week is over.

But, then I see his sweet face in my head, that smirk of his, and hear him saying "you said that last time, then you passed with flying colors. So I'm betting you're going to do great!"