alone

I am alone.

Not in the sense that I have the absence of people in my life - there have been so many amazing friends and family who have come to help me with the kids, let me vent, kept me occupied, checked in on me.

But I am alone in the sense that no one in my life has ever lost a spouse at a young age.  In fact, of my immediate family and friends, the youngest to lose a spouse is my grandpa Rust who lost his bride, my grandma Esther, last year.  The very grandma Esther who had lost her first husband, as a young lady with 2 small children at home and one on the way (my dad).  Our stories were so similar - and there have been so many times that I wish I could just pick up the phone call her and talk to her, because I know she'd get it, but she passed away only 4 months before my husband did.

So.  I am alone.

I lost my husband, my best friend. Our kids lost their dad. His mother lost her son.  His brother and sisters lost their brother. So while we all share in the fact that we have lost this beautiful human being from our lives - we are all alone in that we each have no way of knowing what the other is walking through.  So instead of saying we're all in the same boat - I think it's safer to say that we all survived the same sinking ship, but we're all in different life boats. 

I have realized that I have shut myself off from people.  And I think a lot of it has to do with knowing that no one could possibly relate to what I'm going through and so I'd rather just save them from the awkward parts in the conversation where they would typically say "I get it" or "I understand".  Because no, no they don't.  And I hope that they never do.

I picked up a book called "Confessions of a Mediocre Widow". With being so busy with wrapping up school, and pregnancy, and kids...I haven't finished it yet, but now that I'm practically finished with school I plan on picking it up again.  But, when I first started reading it - I found myself nodding in agreement as I read.  The lady who wrote it lost her husband unexpectedly when he was, I believe, 34.  They had 3 small kids at home.  And every scenario she goes over has resonated hugely with me.  If you ever want to get some kind of idea as to what thoughts have gone through my head (in hearing my husband wasn't going to live, in leaving the hospital without him, in planning a funeral I never wanted to plan, in telling the kids, etc) buy the book! It's not all sad and somber - there is definitely humor in it - but it's most certainly spot on as far as my situation is concerned (a few excerpts):

pipes

I had a great conversation this past week with a fellow student from my college.  We spoke about life in general - the changes that come; some we choose for ourselves, some are chosen for us.  She said that her pastor once told them something along the lines of "you will never know the strength of a pipe until you apply pressure to it - only then will it's flaws and issues be revealed so that they can be sealed and fixed".  This struck me in a huge way! And unbeknownst to her, it was something that I needed to hear.

The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough for me and for our kids.

I knew it was coming.  We were told that results of the autopsy that the Doctor ordered would take 3-4 months to get to us.  So as the 3 month mark was approaching, I would check the mailbox with more and more caution.  I knew it was close when I got a call from the funeral home that they had his final death certificate for me to pick up.  I decided against picking it up until I had gotten the final autopsy report. I got home that day and opened the mail box.  All I saw was a thick envelope, but my heart sank because I immediately knew what it was.  I pulled it out of the mailbox and I sat there in my van in front of my house and just stared at the writing on the front.

"Office of the chief medical examiner".

Those words struck some kind of nerve and I had a good, long cry sitting there in the middle of the road. Even not knowing what was on the inside, it was just yet another reminder that he was gone and never coming back.

We wanted answers and we knew that there was a good chance that the report would contain some kind of answers.  But at the same time - this is one of those steps in this process that makes his being gone so final.

I had already decided long ago that I wouldn't open these results by myself - I wanted his family to be there too.  So his mom, sisters, and I made plans for that evening when we could all get together.

I'll pause here to say that I already knew that the idea of making some public announcement about what his report contained was something that I, quite honestly, never felt comfortable with. Kyle was a pretty private guy and I know that he wouldn't want some broadcast made.  So - I will not be making any kind of public announcements regarding his report.  Those who need to know, know.  I know it's that whole vague "I have news, but I'm not sharing the news" kind of posts - but this is also my little place for keeping my thoughts so it is what it is.

I will say that as we sat around and read the 10 or so pages included in the report - it felt really anticlimactic.  I believe that for all of us there are more questions than there are answers. I'm thankful that the cause wasn't "unknown" - but at the same time I think we feel like there are missing pieces.

It was and is a hard pill to swallow that we may never actually really know or have a timeline of the chain of events of his passing.  Yet again one of those areas that I have to fully trust God.

I do, however, believe that in all of this, like that pipe, God is putting pressure on me - He's revealing my flaws, my weaknesses, and He's using these times to ultimately strengthen me for His purpose.  But, I'm not going to lie - it sucks in the mean time.

I've started the process of packing away some of his things that were in our room.  Mainly they are things that will have to be moved in order to make room for baby.  But I ran across his cologne bottles.  I know it's something I've mentioned in a few posts - about how I've avoided opening them because I knew what it would do to me.  But, this time I did it.  I opened the lid. I closed my eyes. I took in a deep breath of his scent.  In a single instant there was a flood of so many memories in my head that were all attached to that smell. I was quickly overwhelmed; as I knew I would be. But oh how I have missed that smell.  It was difficult, but at the same time it was so worth it.

(As a side note - I have begun work on a new project.  It's something that I knew I wanted to do since he very first left us.  The only way that I ever got to know what it is that I do know about my grandpa (my dad's dad who passed away before my dad was born) was to ask my grandma or my aunts questions - and lots of them.  I WANT for our kids and even our future grandkids to ask questions about him - I want for them to feel like they know him.  So - I've decided to put together a book.  An actual, factual, hard bound, printed book all about him.  This book will contain facts about Kyle, pictures, memories (from me, our kids, his family, his friends, people he knew in his youth, pastors, etc) and anything else that I can think of.  I'm trying to think in terms of if I had this resource available to me about my own grandpa, what would I love to have in it.  I plan on gathering everything I can and then using my self-imposed maternity leave to piece it all together and then have copies printed at least for our 4 children.  He was young - but he was such an amazing and incredible human that he deserves to have a legacy passed down to his kids.  Plus, I believe that it will help the kids (especially Charlie and Liam) to feel a connection to their dad since Charlie was so young when he passed, and Liam will have never gotten to actually meet him.  So - I am putting that out here now.  I will be making a public call on social media about it, but if you are reading this and have ANY memories that stick out to you about Kyle; anything he said that was funny or encouraging, or wise, or any stories or memories you'd love to share, and photos that you have (even if it seems insignificant or unimportant, I guarantee it's all a part of what made Kyle who he was and something that myself and his kids and family will treasure) - I have set up an email address specifically for this purpose.  It's MakkMemories@gmail.com You don't have to save up every story for just ONE email - if something pops in your head - feel free to make a note and send an email.  I do ask that if you are sharing stories or photos - please include a year or a date of some kind within the email so that I can try to make it close to chronological and also how you know Kyle (be it from youth group, work, gaming, etc)

empty

The past couple of weeks I've really noticed this overwhelming emptiness setting in.  Not that I'm sad per se and not that I'm lonely - just that I feel empty.  I've noticed that the waves of Kyle's death that have been hitting me have hit a lot deeper and a lot harder in recent days than they had been.  Instead of just missing having him here - I've noticed that there is an ache deep in my bones that he isn't here.  It's a deep, deep sense of sorrow in the pit of my soul that I've not felt before.  It's both welcomed and also scary all at the same time.  THIS is what I thought grief would feel like. THIS is what I've been cautiously waiting on to arrive. The finality of his death is just beginning to sink in and the numbness of him being gone is starting to thaw.

I welcome it because for so long I was so afraid I was repressing stuff that would come back later. I was worried that I wasn't grieving right (though as discussed, I've realized there is no "right" way to grieve). And having it arrive means that it's here for me to be able to eventually work through. I'm not in a hurry for it to leave. I want to feel it. I need to feel it. I don't want it to completely consume me until I find myself in a black hole I can't get out of, but I need to walk through this as a part of my own healing process. 

I find that I've avoided thinking about the future without him.  I've kept my blinders on and only been taking care of the here and now.  I think that staying busy with everything has kept my mind occupied from allowing myself to "go there".  I've done a lot of compartmentalizing with the various aspects of life so that whatever needs my attention at the time gets my attention and everything else has to wait its turn.   I haven't set out to make myself sad either.  I've steered clear of opening his cologne or going through his things (other than his shirts - which we are working on really special keep sake items for our kids and family).  But he still finds his way to me when I need him most.

Our daughter has been having a particularly rough time.  On one of her lowest days, I was feeling like I was at a complete loss about what to do or what to say to her - all I could do was cry.  I was brokenhearted for her, especially in being so young and going through so much that not even most adults would know how to handle.  I was also feeling anger on her behalf that she was having to go through this.  I was scared that I wouldn't be able to help her and worried about her future and how it will affect her.  I logged on to facebook that evening and looked on my "on this day" page and this is what I saw:

A reminder from him.  It felt like he had reached down and wrapped his arms around me and told me that it was going to be okay.  It was just what I needed.  I absolutely cherish these reminders that pop up unexpectedly, yet at the most needed times.

The time is quickly approaching that I'm going to have to start going through some of his things.  Our baby is due in 9 weeks time and I'll need to work on making some space for baby's things.  I'm trying to mentally prepare myself - yet at the same time I know that there are such amazing memories attached to some of the things I'll run across that it'll, no doubt, be good therapy.

I'm trying to stay away from imagining what going through labor and delivery will be like without him by my side. I know that feeling our baby twist and turn and kick inside of me has been an amazing way of constantly feeling Kyle with me - and I'm scared to not have that reminder any more. 

Still a long road ahead of us all.

As for other aspects of life. Well, baby #4 is due in 9 weeks, I graduate from college in 8.5 weeks, I am in the middle of my senior capstone project (my presentation for which is in about 7 weeks).  Then starts job searching.  Along with that comes decisions about whether or not to relocate.  I've decided to put off graduate school for a year while we all adjust to having a new baby and me going back to work full time.  Life is hectic. But at the same time - we are so blessed.  My attorney was asking me about everything yesterday and she said "I just don't even know how you're doing it all".  My reply was simple - it's all God, prayers, and my support system.  There may be times that I feel empty, but I know that I am not alone.

draw closer

It is no surprise that the past (nearly) nine weeks have been quite the roller coaster for my entire family.  I've said it before and I'll say it again - I am an adult - I've had 36 years and many life lessons in order to learn how to cope and what works for me when I'm feeling certain emotions.  Not that I've perfected it by any stretch of the imagination, but I like to think that I have a fairly good grasp.  Our kids on the other hand have not had that luxury.  They have been thrust into waters that no kid should ever have to go in to - on top of having ongoing issues with their biological father - and I'm amazed by THEIR strength. But, they have had various sudden changes in their attitudes on top of the break down's that happen.  I absolutely hate it for them.  As their mom I want to just fix it immediately for them.  But, I also realize that everything that they're experiencing right now is shaping them into the young adults they will become.  So my job is to help to guide them through it.  And for that, I need God.

The past few days have been eye-opening to me.  I have been reflecting upon the last 9 weeks; the ups, the downs, the breakdowns, the tears, the laughter...and something that I have noticed is that I haven't been pushing into God the way that I want need to. 

When Kyle got his promotion, my faith wasn't shaken.  I have zero doubt that my faith is still in tact.  I had (and have) absolute trust in God that He knows what He's doing in all of this.  But, I also haven't been spending time talking to God like I need to or studying His word like I need to.  And it's really hit me this past week that I'm just kind of coasting along through this season in my life without inviting God to come in and have complete control. And I just keep feeling like God is speaking to me; telling me to draw closer to Him.  Not only that, but I want for my kids to remember my faith throughout this time.  When they are older and they look back on this time - I want them to remember the way that God provided, the way that God worked through this entire situation. 

I've heard it said that if there are 100 steps between you and God, He will take 99 of those - but you have to be the one to take the last step towards Him.  And that's what I'm doing.

...not as we

Life has been so hectic lately - which I think can sometimes be a good thing since it also means my brain is occupied.


I love music.  I feel that there are many times that a song or a lyric can speak more to what I'm feeling than my own brain can find words for.  The past few days I have had this song in my brain. I don't remember when I first heard it - but it's been years ago now.  Only now it's really fitting and hits me harder than it did when I first heard it.


I


Our oldest son had his 11th birthday this past weekend.  This was my first time in a long time flying solo on birthday parties. Kyle was the part decorator guy - he would turn our entire house into Minecraft worlds or Frozen themes.  He got such a huge kick out of the challenge of seeing what all he could come up with - and he never disappointed! I, however, am not that creative.  So, I gave Jacob options and he chose to have his birthday at the bowling alley and then just invited his two best pals to spend the night that night.  It worked out well.  The kids had fun. Jake was a little occupied by his thoughts the next day, though, and talked about how much he missed Kyle being at his birthday.  Jake got a pretty good amount of birthday money to spend so I let him choose the store to go and spend some of it.  Last night, we headed out to Toys 'R Us.  He was looking at lego sets and kept asking me which one I thought Kyle would have thought was the coolest since he wasn't there to help Jake choose.  I am clueless when it comes to lego.  So he did the good old "eenie meenie miney moe" trick. Then in another part of the store he found something NOT lego related - a remote controlled AT-AT from Star Wars.  His eyes lit up and he just KNEW that Kyle would have been majorly stoked about it, too.

And then we walked out of the store.  All 3 of us pretty well stopped in our tracks.  It was the most breathtaking sunset.  And both kids nearly simultaneously said "look mom! Kyle painted us a sunset".  I got chills.  There are no iPhone photos that could come close to doing it justice - but I certainly tried to capture it so I could keep it...the fun part is that we came out of the store at the OPPORTUNE time to see it.  By the time we got situated in the car to leave - it didn't look anywhere lose to how it had.

I started my internship today.  Kyle would have been so excited (and proud) to hear about my first day.  I can just see his face lighting up; not necessarily because it is an internship that is "up his alley" but because he would have been genuinely excited to see me so excited.  I even have an official looking badge with my photo on it that I have to wear.  That would have thrilled him.  The whole thing would have thrilled him to know that I'm interning at a place where they work with the populations of people that interest me the most.

On the way home last night, Jacob was really solemn.  He talked about missing Kyle and how he hated that Kyle hadn't been there for his birthday or to go shopping with him.  Then he said that he felt really guilty because he was beginning to feel like he was getting used to Kyle not being here.  I could tell he genuinely felt bad.  But I had to explain to him that when Kyle got his promotion all I knew to pray about is that we would know how to navigate this new normal - and that what we are living now, without Kyle IS our new normal.  That getting used to him being gone doesn't mean we don't miss him and that we wouldn't trade anything to have him back with us.  It doesn't mean we don't still love him and it certainly doesn't mean that we are forgetting him or that he isn't a part of our lives - it only means that we are coming into our "new normal". 

It has been  5 weeks now - and it still doesn't feel real.

One thing that especially gets to me is seeing friends' posts of their husbands with their kids - doing anything! Fishing, rough-housing, cuddling...anything.  I realize that our two youngest will never get that experience with their dad.  I don't even think I can quite wrap my brain around that.

funny memories

In case you don't have Facebook - there is a feature that will show you what your posts were on the same day in years past.  I enjoy it most of the time - it triggers memories.  Today was no different:

Oh my goodness am I glad this popped up today!  I actually laughed out loud remembering this.

We live in a rented home.  Our landlord has been wonderful at getting to any issues we may have in a fairly quick manner.  We hadn't even been here a year when the kitchen sink stopped draining.  And it was nasty.  It backed up into the sink and there was a greasy film on the water.  We assume that the previous tenants had tried to use the disposal for who knows what. 

I mentioned calling the landlord.  But, Kyle was determined that this was a problem that he was going to fix.  He tried draino in every drain we have (laundry, bath, every sink) knowing that all drains lead to one place, he tried this stuff called Instaflo (the vapor alone stings your eyes and throat), he tried the plunger in both sides of the sink.  This junk was not moving. We woke up the next day and the water had sloooooooowly drained from the sink all night.  Little did I know that Kyle had been up most of the night online looking for solutions.  And he presented his findings to me. I just stared at him and asked if he was sure we shouldn't call the landlord - haha!

He proceeded to bring the outside water hose into our house. He stuffed it into the pipes under the kitchen sink and stuffed towels in and around it to create a seal of some sorts.  He also stuffed rags down in the opening of the drain in the laundry room to make sure that water didn't come up in there (he had somehow figured out that those were our two main areas of concentration).  I held the rags that were stuffed into the laundry drain and he had made sure that the rags stuffed around the hose in the kitchen pipes wasn't going anywhere. 

Then he turned on the outside hose.

The theory was that the water would shoot through the pipes so fast that it would shoot out any blockage that was there.

I kind of watched with one eye closed. I had visions in my head of a Chevy Chase-type scene where this water with a greasy film shoots out from every drain in the house and covers the rooms with unidentified globs of years worth of build up.

But, the craziest thing happened - IT WORKED!!!!!

We stared at each other, eyes wide open, not saying anything for a second.  Then we just sat there and laughed! I think he was just as surprised as I was that this crazy idea actually worked - and worked well!  We haven't had any drain issues since.

pieces of him

As you know my husband passed away unexpectedly on Christmas Day.

Before we got married he painted this for me. It's me and my two older kids sitting in a tree. My son with a train next to him, my daughter wearing fairy wings (totally them!)

I took it out a few days ago so I could get the measurements to have it framed. I turned it over. I never realized he had written on the back. "One Man's Treasure" dated Christmas Day 2011.

I got goosebumps!

Fast forward to today.  I have been going through the house and purging and organizing like it's going out of style.  I still haven't brought myself to go through any of his things yet - but there's plenty of other things to go through to keep me busy for a while.
In our utility room I saw a box that I knew contained painting and drawing supplies that I had given to Kyle before we had gotten married.  He had once shared with me how he wanted to get back to painting (something that he had done before - and something he was so great at!).  So, me being clueless, went online and Googled information about different painting supplies.  I found an online art supply store and blindly ordered things.  Kyle seemingly loved them.  I opened the big box today and there was the art supplies that I was so excited to order and he was so excited to receive.  In that box was a of acrylics I had gotten for him.  I opened them. There they all laid - so perfectly displayed.  Not a single tube had been used - save 3.  The three he used in the painting above.  I sat there and stared at the orange, yellow, and brown tubes with their indentations from where his fingers had squeezed the paint on on a pallet.  I picked those tubes out and just ran my fingers over the indentations - knowing that the last time they were used, he was thinking about me, making something for me.  I couldn't hold back the tears. It was a perfect reminder, frozen in time, of him; his love of always thinking of others.  I don't know that I could ever use these acrylics - or give them away.  Once again - it's a tangible remnant of him.

I think that keeping myself busy is some kind of defense mechanism.  It's my way of keeping my brain occupied so that I don't have to think.  Today was no different.  I noticed this morning that I had this heaviness hanging over me.  I went to tickle my toddler and his laugh made me laugh out loud - and then I immediately though about Kyle.  He absolutely loved our toddler's laugh.  It gave him the biggest kick to be able to make him laugh.  And - he'll never hear his laugh again.  His dad will never tickle him again. That hit me. And hard. Our daughter was emotional last night - talking about how she missed how Kyle would always wrestle with them. How do I replace that?  How do I give my kids that kind of "dad fun"?

I had an OB appointment yesterday and got to see our newest little one.  I was able to share that appointment with Kyle's sister.  I was so glad she was able to be there with me.  Baby Liam looks great and everything seems to be going well. I'm so anxious to see him, to hold him.  I told Kyle's sister that a part of my feeling so comforted is knowing that I, literally, have a piece of Kyle in me with Liam - and we have a piece of Kyle here with Charlie.  So Kyle is still here - it's not a replacement for him being HERE - nothing could ever replace that - but his boys being made up of him - he's never going to be gone.