I wish all of you could sit here and take this in with me; sunset, the sounds of summer (crickets and frogs), watching lightning bugs pop on and off all over the backyard. It really is almost magical.
I wanted to share a few things that have been on my heart as of late.
A couple of months ago I was in a dark place. I'm not kidding. It was such a horrible place that I knew I was going to need to seek professional help by way of counseling. A few weeks into this place that I had found myself, I had actually begun contacting a few counselors to discuss appointment times and fee information. And I had left a message with my regular doctor to schedule an appointment to come in and speak to him about the possibility medication. I've been in the dumps before. This was something different.
(I want to pause here to say something. Guys, there is not a thing in the world that is wrong, or humiliating, or embarrassing, or weak about seeking mental professional help. If you feel as if you have a broken leg - you don't sit at home waiting for it to heal up, you go to a doctor. The same is true about mental health. If you feel like you are on that ledge and that you need help, please ask for help! If you feel ashamed or embarrassed - I will go with you and hold your hand! I am not even kidding! I think there is a disconnect in our society today and most definitely a stigma that goes with mental illnesses; people are seen as broken or damaged and when someone is depressed their friends and family think that it's easy to just "snap out of it" or "think positive thoughts and it'll go away" or "just count your blessings". In some cases, sure. But, in cases of genuine depression, those statements do nothing and may even make things worse. I have no shame in saying that after my daughter was born I suffered from un-diagnosed post-partum depression and post-partum anxiety. From there I dealt with anxiety and panic attacks almost daily for nearly six months and then off and on for over 9 years. I was on medication [which helped me tremendously!] for six months. I will tell my story any time and anywhere with zero shame if it can help even ONE single person to not feel the stigma that can be attached to mental health issues! It was because of my own battles with post-partum depression that I knew pretty quickly that what I was currently experiencing wasn't just from grief or being "down in the dumps")
(I want to pause here to say something. Guys, there is not a thing in the world that is wrong, or humiliating, or embarrassing, or weak about seeking mental professional help. If you feel as if you have a broken leg - you don't sit at home waiting for it to heal up, you go to a doctor. The same is true about mental health. If you feel like you are on that ledge and that you need help, please ask for help! If you feel ashamed or embarrassed - I will go with you and hold your hand! I am not even kidding! I think there is a disconnect in our society today and most definitely a stigma that goes with mental illnesses; people are seen as broken or damaged and when someone is depressed their friends and family think that it's easy to just "snap out of it" or "think positive thoughts and it'll go away" or "just count your blessings". In some cases, sure. But, in cases of genuine depression, those statements do nothing and may even make things worse. I have no shame in saying that after my daughter was born I suffered from un-diagnosed post-partum depression and post-partum anxiety. From there I dealt with anxiety and panic attacks almost daily for nearly six months and then off and on for over 9 years. I was on medication [which helped me tremendously!] for six months. I will tell my story any time and anywhere with zero shame if it can help even ONE single person to not feel the stigma that can be attached to mental health issues! It was because of my own battles with post-partum depression that I knew pretty quickly that what I was currently experiencing wasn't just from grief or being "down in the dumps")
I was mad at everything. I was mad at friends who still have husbands for still having husbands. I was mad at people who were going on vacation for getting to go on vacation. I was mad at people who were losing weight for losing weight. I was mad at people with jobs for having careers. I was mad at women who could do a perfect contour on their face. I was mad at moms who were making healthy meals for their families. I was mad at people who seemed to have it all together and still had a couple of hours left in the day for themselves. I mean if anything was going the least bit right in someone else's life - I was mad because of it.
The anger quickly gave way to bitterness which gave way to absolute despair. I was at the point that I didn't even like myself anymore.
I don't know when it started or why it started. My guess is that it was a grave that I was slowly digging - shovel by shovel - each day for who knows how long. I just know that one day I felt like I was in the middle of a sinkhole filled with quicksand and no clue how I got there. I was suffocating on the inside. I felt so claustrophobic in my own thoughts. I spent most days in whatever clothes I had slept in the night before, not sure how many days passed between showers, and I cried - a lot - many times a day. I didn't want to leave the house and some days even walking to the mailbox felt like a chore.
I was pretty good at hiding it from most people.
On the one hand I didn't want to let anyone down. See - when people comment or act amazed at how I handle my chaotic life - internally it sets a standard that I feel the need to live up to. I felt like if people knew that I was falling into this pit - then somehow I would appear as a failure in their eyes, and the last thing I want to do is to look like a failure to anyone. See, I have huge hopes of being able to play a part in transforming the lives of others. If I myself am failing at transforming my own life then how could I possibly help anyone else?
Also, I didn't want to bother people with my issues.
And, honestly, I didn't want to hear people advising me to "cheer up" or "it'll get better soon" or "I'll pray for you".
I was engulfed in such hopelessness and I knew it was far greater than a simple "think about the good things you have in life" would help.
It wasn't until I had been completely consumed by this depression for a few weeks that I reached out to my cousin, my sister, and my mom. Each have their own life experiences and I knew that I wouldn't get the old, run of the mill "chin up" talk from them. I told them I knew I needed help. I told them that I can only blame so much on hormones. And each one of them immediately encouraged me to seek help; go to my doctor and set up an appointment with a counselor.
On the one hand I didn't want to let anyone down. See - when people comment or act amazed at how I handle my chaotic life - internally it sets a standard that I feel the need to live up to. I felt like if people knew that I was falling into this pit - then somehow I would appear as a failure in their eyes, and the last thing I want to do is to look like a failure to anyone. See, I have huge hopes of being able to play a part in transforming the lives of others. If I myself am failing at transforming my own life then how could I possibly help anyone else?
Also, I didn't want to bother people with my issues.
And, honestly, I didn't want to hear people advising me to "cheer up" or "it'll get better soon" or "I'll pray for you".
I was engulfed in such hopelessness and I knew it was far greater than a simple "think about the good things you have in life" would help.
It wasn't until I had been completely consumed by this depression for a few weeks that I reached out to my cousin, my sister, and my mom. Each have their own life experiences and I knew that I wouldn't get the old, run of the mill "chin up" talk from them. I told them I knew I needed help. I told them that I can only blame so much on hormones. And each one of them immediately encouraged me to seek help; go to my doctor and set up an appointment with a counselor.
I didn't pray. I didn't "cry out to God" to help me. I just lived in the misery.
I started keeping a hand-written journal about three weeks into it. I wish I could offer some deep reason for keeping it, but I wanted to look for patterns and I also knew that should I see a counselor it would be beneficial to know what I was feeling day-to-day. When I read those journal entries today, I can literally feel the hopelessness in my words.
4/30/17 "some days I feel like I really have a handle on things - those days are few and far between though. For the most part I just really can't stand myself"
I remember one day being consumed with sadness that this was the life I was given. See the thing is that to any other person, I have a great life! Yes, my husband died and that sucks. But, I'm healthy, I have four healthy children. I own my own home, live on a beautiful plot of land that is filled to the brim with gorgeous flowers and a breathtaking view. I am able to provide for my little family. I'm able to pay our bills every month and not wonder if this will be the month that I have to choose between electricity or water. So there weren't really any big issues with my life that warranted me falling into this sadness. Nothing!
Comparison is the thief of all joy and I can say with zero doubts that it literally robbed any and all joy that I had. It was a double-edged sword because I would have these deep regrets of knowing that this was my life and the life that my children had to live. I played the "what-if" game a lot! When I would allow myself to feel that regret then I would feel so guilty because I knew so many people have so much less than I do or have been forced to overcome so much more than I have. So I'd feel mad at myself for allowing myself to feel so sullen about the life I have. Wash, rinse, repeat.
This was so much more than grief. In fact I was pretty sure that this was actually not part of my grief journey at all. This was a new beast in and of itself.
I feel like I met my grief head-on. I knew enough to know that I needed to make sure I was addressing my grief and not pushing it down only for it to resurface later. And I feel like I have and am succeeding in that. I have learned so many great coping skills for handling my grief. But, I have failed in taking care of my relationship with God outside of my grief. And so when I started falling into depression it was confusing to me. I wanted so badly to blame this depression on my grief from my husband's death because that would make sense; it would have been so much easier to rationalize - plus it wouldn't put the blame on me.
But, it wasn't the grief - it was me!
I invited God into every part of my grief but I had stopped inviting Him into every other place in my life. I was picking and choosing where God was allowed. He was definitely okayed to come into the grieving part of my heart. But, every other door was a no-go.
God, no doubt, has held me so close in the past year and a half. I have made no secret out of the fact that I know that it is God who has carried me through my grief.
He isn't the one who moved away from me. He has always been so faithful to me and my little family. (when you get a second watch this short little video from Craig Groeshel of Life.Church - he pretty much hits the nail on the head!)
God, no doubt, has held me so close in the past year and a half. I have made no secret out of the fact that I know that it is God who has carried me through my grief.
He isn't the one who moved away from me. He has always been so faithful to me and my little family. (when you get a second watch this short little video from Craig Groeshel of Life.Church - he pretty much hits the nail on the head!)
Let me be transparent for a second.
I have not had a one-on-one, intimate relationship with the One who created me in years. I have not regularly attended church in over four years (with the exception of Kyle's memorial service, and a visit or two to a church here in town while looking for a new church to attend).
I've prayed from time to time - mainly in times of distress. I don't remember the last time I had just sat and simply talked to God. I had allowed myself to step away from God while at the same time being upset at all of the blessings in other people's lives. I have missed it - I have missed Him.
I've prayed from time to time - mainly in times of distress. I don't remember the last time I had just sat and simply talked to God. I had allowed myself to step away from God while at the same time being upset at all of the blessings in other people's lives. I have missed it - I have missed Him.
So, one day I just decided to do it.
I started using what once was a journal about all of these dark emotions as a journal about my daily time with God. Some are just short entries about what I'm doing that day along with anything meaningful that I get out of my time. They aren't pages and pages long. I just wanted something so I could look back and be able to see how God's working. The transformation in the entries the past four weeks has been amazing to me and I can see with my own eyes how God is peeling back all of these dead layers of my heart and causing life to once again spring up!
I almost feel like a "new Christian" and I guess in some ways I am. I'm having to re-learn how to have a relationship with God - not just praying when I'm desperate. I had gotten so far away from Him that I had forgotten how to just talk to Him.
I had no clue where to start with reading my Bible or even hearing God's voice. I remember when I was a kid I was determined I was going to read the Bible from cover to cover. I started in Genesis. And stopped reading somewhere in Numbers. Ha! That was not necessarily a plan I was going to try out this go 'round.
I pulled out all of my daily devotional books.
I have four total.
One actually belonged to Kyle, so it feels right to have it in the mix.
They each have blurbs every day along with Bible verses. Some days the blurbs speak straight to something that I've just prayed about (God speaking!), other days the Bible verses themselves speak, and some days the Bible verses lead me to cross-reference another verse that speaks to me. But, every single day since I have started God has used one or the other to talk right to me.
I've also committed to reading a chapter of Proverbs each day. There was no huge earth-shattering philosophical revelation about doing this. I had read on someone's twitter account one day that there are 31 chapters in Proverbs and that coincides with how many days are in some of the months and so I thought that seemed like a great place to start!
Some day I hope that this will lead into a deeper study - but for now it is helping me to get back into my walk with Him.
I have attempted (in the way-long-ago past) to dive into trying to set a "perfect" quiet time with God where there are no kids around and everything is still and quite literally...quiet. I attempted to fit God in where I could and this strategy was never successful. It would usually end with me getting frustrated because our schedule was off and I couldn't get the kids to turn their attention elsewhere so I'd just not do a "quiet time".
But a few days into my trying to get back with God I had an epiphany! My "quiet" time with God doesn't have to be quiet per say. God isn't sitting around up in Heaven refusing to meet me on my deck until my kids are inside and not able to be heard.
No.
Quiet time is me choosing to meet God as I am, where I am.
If my kids are at my feet and making random noises and playing with the birdseed on the deck - God is still there. Oftentimes my "quiet time" involves little feet walking or running back and forth on my deck. They turn chairs upside down to make "playgrounds", and my toddler will call out the names of different birds that come to dine at the feeders. Some times the big kids will come sit with me for a few minutes. A few times as I've been talking to God, my toddler will say "who you talkin' to mama?". At first I felt a little embarrassed that he'd think his mother was talking to herself. But then it hit me that this is an opportunity to teach my littles about God, about talking to God.
I remember as a child seeing my mom pray or reading her Bible in the mornings before the day started. Looking back now I realize what a precedent she set for me - seeing that she started her day inviting God in makes me want to be that same example for my kids!
If there are 100 steps between me and God - He will always take the first 99 steps towards me. It is up to me to take that last step to Him. And for the past 4 weeks that's what I've been doing - and you know what? I can already tell a difference in the way I view my daily life. I can tell a BIG difference in my emotions. I feel actual gratitude for this life that God has entrusted to me. I feel actual happiness to see the blessings in the lives of those around me. I feel excitement about what lies ahead for me. I don't feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24 hours a day. I feel like that cloud of bitterness and depression has been lifted. As of right now I am in such a great place emotionally that I have felt peace about cancelling my appointments with the counselor and the doctor. I know that should I ever need them - they'll be there.
Someone asked me last week how I was doing. If you read this post you'll know that that hasn't been my favorite question over the past year and a half. But, I've noticed in the past couple of weeks when someone asks, I haven't been saying my usual "I'm good" or "Oh, you know, as good as can be expected" in an effort to squash the conversation and not have to drudge up on I feel life is really going - but the words "I'm actually doing really great!" come out of my mouth. And what's even better is that I mean it! (gasp!) I do not remember the last time that I was able to tell someone that I was great with all honesty. And I can not describe how that feels.
I have four total.
One actually belonged to Kyle, so it feels right to have it in the mix.
They each have blurbs every day along with Bible verses. Some days the blurbs speak straight to something that I've just prayed about (God speaking!), other days the Bible verses themselves speak, and some days the Bible verses lead me to cross-reference another verse that speaks to me. But, every single day since I have started God has used one or the other to talk right to me.
I've also committed to reading a chapter of Proverbs each day. There was no huge earth-shattering philosophical revelation about doing this. I had read on someone's twitter account one day that there are 31 chapters in Proverbs and that coincides with how many days are in some of the months and so I thought that seemed like a great place to start!
Some day I hope that this will lead into a deeper study - but for now it is helping me to get back into my walk with Him.
I have attempted (in the way-long-ago past) to dive into trying to set a "perfect" quiet time with God where there are no kids around and everything is still and quite literally...quiet. I attempted to fit God in where I could and this strategy was never successful. It would usually end with me getting frustrated because our schedule was off and I couldn't get the kids to turn their attention elsewhere so I'd just not do a "quiet time".
But a few days into my trying to get back with God I had an epiphany! My "quiet" time with God doesn't have to be quiet per say. God isn't sitting around up in Heaven refusing to meet me on my deck until my kids are inside and not able to be heard.
No.
Quiet time is me choosing to meet God as I am, where I am.
If my kids are at my feet and making random noises and playing with the birdseed on the deck - God is still there. Oftentimes my "quiet time" involves little feet walking or running back and forth on my deck. They turn chairs upside down to make "playgrounds", and my toddler will call out the names of different birds that come to dine at the feeders. Some times the big kids will come sit with me for a few minutes. A few times as I've been talking to God, my toddler will say "who you talkin' to mama?". At first I felt a little embarrassed that he'd think his mother was talking to herself. But then it hit me that this is an opportunity to teach my littles about God, about talking to God.
I remember as a child seeing my mom pray or reading her Bible in the mornings before the day started. Looking back now I realize what a precedent she set for me - seeing that she started her day inviting God in makes me want to be that same example for my kids!
 |
| "quiet" time |
If there are 100 steps between me and God - He will always take the first 99 steps towards me. It is up to me to take that last step to Him. And for the past 4 weeks that's what I've been doing - and you know what? I can already tell a difference in the way I view my daily life. I can tell a BIG difference in my emotions. I feel actual gratitude for this life that God has entrusted to me. I feel actual happiness to see the blessings in the lives of those around me. I feel excitement about what lies ahead for me. I don't feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest 24 hours a day. I feel like that cloud of bitterness and depression has been lifted. As of right now I am in such a great place emotionally that I have felt peace about cancelling my appointments with the counselor and the doctor. I know that should I ever need them - they'll be there.
Someone asked me last week how I was doing. If you read this post you'll know that that hasn't been my favorite question over the past year and a half. But, I've noticed in the past couple of weeks when someone asks, I haven't been saying my usual "I'm good" or "Oh, you know, as good as can be expected" in an effort to squash the conversation and not have to drudge up on I feel life is really going - but the words "I'm actually doing really great!" come out of my mouth. And what's even better is that I mean it! (gasp!) I do not remember the last time that I was able to tell someone that I was great with all honesty. And I can not describe how that feels.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts - please do not hesitate to seek help. We can all help prevent suicide. If you’re thinking about suicide, are worried about a friend or loved one, or would like emotional support, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States. 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
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