My favorite time of the year has always been the time between Thanksgiving day all the way up until the New Year. There is something magical about all of it; cold weather, being around family, twinkly lights, Christmas everything (trees, lights, movies, music...), canned cranberry sauce. And since becoming a parent this time of year has become that much more special - seeing the magic of this time of year in the eyes of your child is nothing that words could properly describe. I also know that this was one of Kyle's favorite times of the year - especially Christmas.
Trust me, I am well aware that the one year anniversary of my husband's passing is quickly approaching. I've spent a lot of time wondering what this time of year will hold for us. I feel as if this year (and this time of year going forward) I will be split down the middle. I feel like I'll be experiencing two different Christmases.
I have two children who were very much aware of what Christmas WITH Kyle was like. They are nearly 11 and 12 years old. The memory of last Christmas is forever burned in their memories. I remember coming home Christmas evening the day that Kyle had passed. The kids knew he was in the hospital. But, none of us knew how grave the situation was and so I had zero time to prepare them. As far as we all knew - they would take him off of sedation, extubate him, he'd wake up and even though we expected some sort of hospital stay I fully thought he'd be home by the new year. I walked into the house that evening and both of my older kids came to greet me. They gave me huge hugs. Then our daughter told me about this plan that she had thought of. She said "you can videotape us opening our Christmas presents and then take it to the hospital to show Kyle!". My heart fell. I wrapped both of our babies in my arms and then had to tell them something that no mother should ever have to utter to her young children - and especially on Christmas day. Our daughter has since declared many times that she will never love Christmas again.
But then, I have two young boys who will never know what Christmas with their dad felt like. They will still see Christmas (at least now while they're young) as a magical time. In fact, my three year old has been talking a lot about "Crimas!". I can tell he is so excited about it. He loves driving by Christmas trees around town that are lit up. He'll say "wook mom! Dat Crimas tree is so cool!". He knows who his dad is. We have pictures around our home and he'll point to his dad and tell me who he is. We talk about his dad - and especially point out ways in which he's like his dad. But he doesn't understand the link between Christmas and his dad's death.
So, I feel a responsibility to keep the magic of Christmas real and tangible for these little boys. But at the same time, I'll have two older kids who may have a tarnished feeling about Christmas. It's a very confusing place to be in. I don't want the older two to feel so responsible for making the holiday's happy for the younger two that they don't allow themselves to feel sad, disappointed, angry, etc.
We have a tradition of buying the kids new Christmas PJ's and they get to open them Christmas Eve. They put them on, we get hot chocolate, and go out to drive around and look at the Christmas lights. Just the other day our oldest son talked to me about when we went out and did this in 2014. He remembered we went to two different Christmas light display places and one had a display that would dance to the music in your vehicle. And it was a happy memory! I love when this happens.
I hope that with time the memories they have of Kyle will be ones filled with happiness and not just remembering the sadness of his absence.
I can tell you that God has been working overtime on my heart and I find that most of the memories of Kyle that flood my brain now are ones that bring a smile to my face or I'll find myself laughing out loud.
Thanksgiving, for me, was a really great time. We went to Oklahoma to spend Thanksgiving day with Kyle's family. I can only speak for myself - but I didn't feel a deep, overwhelming sorrow about his absence. We definitely spoke about him - we had different memories. Such as his love of pecan pie, but he'd scrape off his pecans and give them to his sister because he liked pecan pie minus the pecans. Or when our toddler was having a dance party of one and did a dance move that Kyle used to do all the time. These are memories that I love!
When Kyle was in the ICU and they were weaning him off of the sedation medicines to wake him up, his mom and I sat his his room and you could feel our nervous excitement. We were so relieved that we would get to see him awake again - that we'd get to hear him talk to us. It felt like Christmas! Every time he made any kind of movement, I couldn't help but get giddy. But, that feeling quickly went away whenever the doctor came in to try to rouse him and Kyle didn't respond - my heart sank.
I feel that way about coming into Christmas season. We'll soon be decorating our house. I'm excited about it - but at the same time I feel really cautious about getting too excited because I know that memories (especially this time of year) will flood us from every angle. When certain dates come around such as December 17, which was when Kyle took our oldest to the opening night of Star Wars (and the last photo I have of Kyle smiling) - I can't help but wonder what that day will feel like?
But, also I'm hopeful. Knowing how much Kyle loved this time of year is a comfort to me. I know that he would want for me to make this season memorable for all four of our children. He was a big kid himself. So we will honor his memory by making memories!
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