I like to think that my love with my late husband most closely identified with consummate love. It made me proud. And quite often Kyle and I would say that we almost felt a sense of sadness for those who would never experience the "love" that we had for each other. Oftentimes we would say that the word "love" didn't quite fit what we felt or had with each other - it went far beyond that. Though our love fit every "leg" of Sternberg's triangular theory of love - the part I miss the most, hands down, is having my companion here.
I had a horrible nightmare last night. Horrible. And Kyle was in it. It wasn't the first time I've ever had a nightmare, but it was the first time I've had one like this since he's been gone. My very first instinct when I woke up was to wake him up so I could tell him about it and so he could comfort me. But, he wasn't there. What an empty, sinking feeling. A kick in the gut. It's been almost 8 months since he passed away and yet the first thing that I expected to do was turn over in bed to see him there. There will be times that I'll see something that strikes me as funny. I'll pick up my phone and start a text box to him - then it hits me... I'll see his last text to me from Dec. 20 and realize that I can't just pop a message to him.
He was truly my best friend. I don't mean that in some "he was my husband so that automatically made him my best friend even though in reality we were only married and not really friends but I call him my best friend because that's what you're supposed to do with your spouse" kind of way. He was honestly my best friend. He knew all there was to know about me. He was the first person I shared my joys with, the first person I shared my fears with, the first person I shared my anxieties with. He was my adventure buddy. He listened to every thing I said and always had the best advice. And that is what I miss most. That is what makes me feel the most lonely.
There is no rule book about being a widow. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel and when. Not too long after Kyle's memorial service some well-intentioned person who I am sure was just trying to help told me that somewhere out there there is a man for me and God will send him my way when the time is right. I wasn't too sure how to respond to that. The cynical side of me thought "yes, God sent him to me and God just took him away". But I also realized that people who have never been in these shoes before don't really know WHAT to say or how to say it. They realize you lost someone so important and they want to be able to assure you in some way that everything is going to be okay. I've been on that side of it before and I'm sure that I've said some really questionable things at really sucky times as well. So I try my best to see it for what it is; not someone telling me to get over it or that Kyle is replaceable- but someone who loves us enough that they are concerned with letting me know that I'll be okay. I realize that there are a lot of emotions present at times such as these and everyone deals with those emotions in their own ways.
I'm not going to lie, it is really rough to not have my companion. Daily I see posts from my Facebook friends about their relationships, their marriages, and my heart breaks all over again that I've lost that part of me. Will I ever choose to date again? No clue. Do I want to stay single for the rest of my life because that will somehow prove that Kyle is irreplaceable? Maybe so. Would Kyle want me to try to find another companion? Probably. I can guarantee that his response would be along the line of wanting to make sure that I'm happy. But all of that isn't for me to decide right now. And I'm not sure that it'll ever be something that I will sit down and make a decision about. Right now I'm still trying to figure out life without Kyle. One fellow widow-sister put it best when she said you never move on once you've lost your spouse - but you do choose to move forward. There will never be a day that I don't love Kyle. I will never "move on". But, for my sake and the sake of our kids, I do have to choose to move forward.
In the coming months there will be a lot of "me" time. I am taking time to dive into me; to seek healing, to seek peace, to once again seek God (something that has been very hard for me to do as of late). I've relocated back to my hometown, I'm in the middle of buying a home (blog post here), I've joined a grief group in my new hometown to form new relationships with those who are in my boat, I have a church in mind that I want to visit, I've decided to join the local MOPS group to be able to make new mommy friends. This season of my life isn't one where I'm searching for my missing triangle. This is time where I'm re-building MY foundation. This is a time to focus on being a mom to my precious children who also are dealing with the loss of their dad. This is a time for my little family to find our normal - to make a life for ourselves without the one who made this life possible.
I've found writing to be therapeutic. Even if no one can understand what it is you're experiencing or what you're trying to say, at least it's not internalizing & causing a wound to fester. Kyle is irreplaceable. We are slaves to time & there is no moving on, just forward motion.
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